Humor has It

Irish funeral

2011-12-09T00:00:00.000-07:00

The Irish Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

The Hunters

2011-12-07T00:00:00.000-07:00

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, “I’ve got to take a shit.”

The other said, “Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit.”

The first one said, “But I don’t have any paper to wipe my ass.” The other blonde replied, “You have a dollar, don’t you?”

The first one said, “Yeah, I’ve got a dollar. That’s a great idea– I’ll use that!”

He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, “What in the hell happened to you?”

The first one replied, “Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?”

Why Parents Drink

2011-12-05T00:00:00.000-07:00

Why Parents Drink !!

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered,' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' Me .. '

haha!

2011-12-02T00:00:00.000-07:00

-----

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother; he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

Things We All Would Like To Say Now And Then

2011-11-29T11:56:00.005-07:00

Do You Fart In Bed?

2011-10-31T00:10:00.000-06:00

IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE.

THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.

HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL.

SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT.

THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES!

AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.

HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD.!!... SOME VASELINE... AND TWO FINGERS.... I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!

Hunters....

2011-10-07T21:41:00.001-06:00

new Maxines!!

2011-09-21T12:12:00.021-06:00

2011-09-21T12:11:00.000-06:00

DARN

2011-09-20T00:00:00.000-06:00

So I saw this old guy, about 90, sitting on the

roadside crying. I asked him what was wrong. He

said: "Well, I'm filthy rich, have a Rolls Royce and a

mansion with a 24 year old wife that's so beautiful

you can't believe." I said: "Wow that sounds great!

So why are you crying?" He said: "I can't remember

where I live!"

Girls Night Out

2011-09-13T22:09:00.005-06:00

Two wives go out for girls night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.
They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.
One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning one husband called the other and said "no more girls night out! My wife came back with no panties."
The other husband said "you think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read 'from all of us at the fire station- we'll never forget you

Little Johnny

2011-09-13T22:08:00.001-06:00

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried,said,"Dad,I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Newfie Drunk

2011-09-12T17:32:00.001-06:00

How many of our Officers would find the humour in this e-mail! After all, I am sure he was sitting there laughing at this guy the entire time.

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall just off the main in Gander NF, CANADA

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Newfie,
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Saga of Margaret and Bert

2011-09-08T07:54:00.001-06:00

THE NEVER ENDING SAGA OF MARGARET & BERT

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

Middle Age Texting Codes

2011-08-11T19:32:00.001-06:00

MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:
ATD -at the doctor.

BFF -best friend fell.

BTW -bring the wheelchair.

BYOT -bring your own teeth.

FWIW -forgot where I was.

GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.

GHA -got heartburn again.

IMHO -is my hearing aid on?

LMDO -laughing my dentures out.

OMMR -on my massage recliner.

ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.

TTYL -talk to you louder

Funny

2011-08-07T18:52:00.001-06:00

A wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K". She asks, "What does that mean"? He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot". She smiled and said, "Oh, that's sweet, but what about 'I, J, K' "? He said, "I'm Just Kidding' ". His eye is still swollen, but it will get better ..

Now I know what is wrong with all the diets I've been on

2011-07-19T10:17:00.002-06:00

It pays to read labels.

SHAMPOO ALERT!! As I was shampooing my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read the bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! Seriously, Now I understand why I am so "full-figured"! I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says right on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove." It pays to read the warning labels!
Thank You,

The Joys of Aging

2011-07-15T00:00:00.000-06:00

Roger , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger
should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged
husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock
on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger,
her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,
Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for
more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a
fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it -
Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a
25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to
him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so
often.I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good
once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:
'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

Stanley

2011-07-13T14:38:00.001-06:00

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, ' Stanley, what's your problem?'

Stanley answered,'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough.

She took Stanley to the principal's office.

While Stanley waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Stanley was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Stanley : '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Stanley: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Stanley can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Stanley both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Stanley, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Stanley replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms.Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Stanley : 'Pants.'

Ms.Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Stanley : 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Stanley replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Stanley : 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms.Brooks:'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Stanley: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Stanley in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

Old Fart Football

2011-07-11T00:00:00.000-06:00

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

Wife from HELL !!

2011-07-08T00:00:00.000-06:00

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)

Only when he's been drinking'

GOOD ADVICE

2011-07-06T00:00:00.001-06:00

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level and beat you
with experience.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you.. But it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish to them.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You don't need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.

The voices in my head may be fake... but they have good ideas!

Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you
wish they were.

I scream the same way whether I'm about to be eaten by a shark or seaweed
touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
can't get away.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

2011-07-04T00:00:00.000-06:00

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
20. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
21. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
22. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
23. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
24. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
25. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)
26. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
27. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
28. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on!

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!

3 nuns

2011-06-30T22:44:00.000-06:00

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A YANKEE BASEBALL GAME:

THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND THEM.

BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW,

THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS,

HOPING THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,
"I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH ...

THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID LOUDLY,
"I WANT TO MOVE TO MONTANA .

THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE THIRD GUY YELLED,
"I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO .

THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE MOTHER SUPERIOR TURNED AROUND,
LOOKED AT THE MEN,
AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,

"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL...THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."

The Blonde Rancher's Wife

2011-06-10T00:00:00.000-06:00

A blonde city girl named Jennifer marries an Idaho rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Jennifer, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Jennifer takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Jennifer sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.' The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?' The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

Be careful what you wish for...............

2011-06-08T00:00:00.000-06:00

A Harley Rider walked into a drug store in Waco , Texas and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.

She then asked if she could help him. The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The biker then agreed and began by saying .......

'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a .... Permanent Erection.

It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said ...... 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'

When she returned, she said ...... We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is as follows:

1/3 ownership in the store .......

A company pickup truck ........

Five home cooked dinners a week .......

And $3,000 a month in living expenses.

mammogram gone wrong

2011-06-06T00:00:00.000-06:00

While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but ... There were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances."

I did too so I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met
By this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science. Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

"Fine," I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so
You'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been
Standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed!

Chap Stick

2011-05-27T00:00:00.000-06:00

This story is priceless- enjoy a good laugh!

Chap Stick

We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on the mat in our bathroom. We have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old.

The middle one is Eli. Eli really loved chap stick. LOVED it. He kept asking to use my chap stick and then losing it.

Finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom that I kept my chapstick and explained he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer after he finished because I used it sometimes several times a day.

That year, on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around to try to get ready for church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box.

I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car, and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally go into the bathroom.
There was Eli. He was applying my chap stick very carefully to Jack's rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped..."
Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right - their little bottoms do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. And the only question to ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth!?!

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever, because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize... they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

An Old One But Still Good

2011-05-26T00:00:00.000-06:00

Newfie Medical Dictionary

Artery.........................The study of paintings

Bacteria......................Back door to cafeteria

Barium........................What doctors do when patients die

Benign........................ What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section........ A neighbourhood in Rome

Cat scan.......................Searching for Kitty

Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her

Colic........................... A sheep dog

Coma...........................A punctuation mark

Dilate......................... To live long

Enema...........................Not a friend

Fester.......................... Quicker than someone else

Fibula.......................... A small lie

Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain................... Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff................. A Doctor's cane

Morbid......................... A higher offer

Node............................ I knew it

Outpatient...................... A person who has fainted

Pelvis................. ......... Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative............ A letter carrier

Recovery Room.......... Place to do upholstery

Rectum......................... Nearly killed him

Secretion...................... Hiding something

Seizure........................ Roman emperor

Tablet.......................... A small table

Terminal Illness............ Getting sick at the airport

Tumour........................ One, plus one more

Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out

The Lonely Brain Cell

2011-05-06T00:00:00.000-06:00

The Lonely Brain Cell

Once upon a time there was
a female brain cell which,
by mistake, happened
to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously
because it was all empty
and quiet.

'Hello?'
she cried, but no answer.

'Is there anyone here?'
she cried a little louder,
but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell
started to feel alone and scared.
So she yelled at the top
of her voice,

'HELLO,
IS THERE ANYONE HERE?'

Then she heard a faint voice
from far, far away....

'We're down here .'

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

2011-05-04T00:00:00.000-06:00

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS

Men's Ages as Determined by Trips to Home Depot

2011-05-02T00:00:00.000-06:00

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house -- mowing the lawn, putting up a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot, sweaty, and covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on: Shorts with a hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home-improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing.. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird even thinking she's pretty.

In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it; but then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, "I Got Worms."

In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for even a quick check in the mirror anymore. Or the cologne. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out of your shorts. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you aren't sure.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her aging grandfather.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. You fart out loud and think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot.

In your 90s & beyond:
What's is a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

Thirsty Taliban

2011-04-29T00:00:00.000-06:00

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted,
"Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.
Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said

"Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Longest Nerve

2011-04-27T00:00:00.000-06:00

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

FUNNY

2011-04-25T00:00:00.000-06:00

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh....

Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then, said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
> 'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

...'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

This made me laugh out loud!

2011-04-22T00:00:00.000-06:00

This made me laugh out loud!

Funny!

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Fluctuations

2011-04-20T00:00:00.000-06:00

If nothing else makes you laugh today, this one will!
Today's word is................. Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Things people actually said in court

2011-04-18T00:00:00.000-06:00

---:

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of trying to stay calm while these hilarious exchanges were actually taking place.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS. OH GOD, PLEASE HELP US ALL!

Why I Am now Divorced

2011-04-15T00:00:00.000-06:00

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought..... Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.. So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door
and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..' I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.

CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK

2011-04-13T00:00:00.000-06:00

CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the
care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun
asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'
He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?'
He replied, 'No money in the bank.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not
spinsters! Nuns are married to God.'
The patient replied, 'Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.'

Pole Dancer

2011-04-09T08:14:00.002-06:00

First Grade Drawing - PRICELESS!
A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.

The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.

She returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration.
It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money.
I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.
This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Harrington

Jumping on the Bed

2011-03-31T00:17:00.001-06:00

Jumping On the Bed

Gotta love women~

A sixty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and
squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea
how ridiculous you look?, What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just
came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of
an 18 year-old".

The husband said, "What did he say about your 66 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

(Men . .. . they just never know when to shut up, do they?)

The Ostrich - cute!

2011-03-29T00:00:00.000-06:00

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

Lie Detector

2011-03-23T00:00:00.000-06:00

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

At 5:30 that afternoon, his 11 year old son, Tommy, returned home from school two hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked his mother, Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

The older we get...............

2011-03-21T00:00:00.000-06:00

The older we get....

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets .

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'

'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. Then the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher : 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, "did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

share this with every one you can remember right now!

And don't forget..

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Here's Your Morning Laugh!!!

2011-03-18T00:00:00.000-06:00

Three Ladies in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS ABEEPINGSOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A
FAX!!"

You Learn So Much @ Happy hour....

2011-03-16T00:00:00.000-06:00

A chicken farmer went to a local bar...

Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass
of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me...
I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
What a coincidence!' says the farmer!

As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for
years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying
fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence!'

The confessional

2011-03-14T00:00:00.000-06:00

After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.

After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window... nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit... still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.

Finally the dunk yells out... "Ain't no use knocking, there ain't no paper over here either!"

similarity!

2011-03-03T17:23:00.001-07:00

Dynamite Devil made me do it

2011-03-03T11:35:00.003-07:00

The body builder takes off his shirt
and the blonde says,
"What a Great chest you have!'

He tells her,
'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'
"What massive calves you have!'

The body builder tells her,
'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear and
the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes
back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why
she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies,
'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite

after I saw how short the fuse was!'

Politically Correct

2011-02-14T00:00:00.001-07:00

As a Canadian that lives in Alberta, I found this amusing!

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading Canada ,

Albertans will no longer be referred to as'Rednecks.'

You must now refer to them as

Rocky Mountain/Prairie Canadians.

And furthermore...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a

' BREASTED Canadian.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

(Loved this one!)

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN..'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS..'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'REAR CLEAVAGE.

A Sympathetic Scottish Woman

2011-02-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

A Sympathetic Scottish Woman

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fucked?' The man broke into a big smile and said, 'no'.
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

Smile

2011-02-09T00:00:00.000-07:00

I got this new deodorant today.

The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart....
the room smells awesome.

A Lady's Confession - Why I changed hotels..

2011-02-07T00:00:00.000-07:00

A Lady's Confession - Why I changed Hotels

Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely.

I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone

books for escorts and sensual massages." I looked through the phone book,

found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -a very handsome

man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right

muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs,

dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter

off his well oiled butt.... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck,

I'll give him a call. "Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . .. Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right

in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room

and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all

alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I

want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything

you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night -tie me up,

cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything

baby.

Now how does that sound?"

"Oh my God.... that sounds fantastic, but you need to

press 9 for an outside line."

The Mother of all Blonde Jokes

2011-02-04T00:00:00.001-07:00

FINALLY...THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on It.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it

And handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

"OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop...

I GOT YOUR MAMA

2011-02-02T00:00:00.000-07:00

This is very cute

Little Carol came ....

into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother
what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get
a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a
bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God

LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

They Walk Among Us

2011-01-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

A DC
airport ticket agent offers some examples of WHY our country is in
trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol
Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up
by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a
Kansas Congressman' s (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to
Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you
look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts. ''

Without trying to
make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts,
Cape Town is in South Africa.''

His response ? click!

3. A
senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a
Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in
Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain
that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me! I looked on the map and Florida is a
very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife
(Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada
?''

I said, "No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the
map'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet
Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I
pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in
Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard
Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to
save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan
Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that
her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33
a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but
she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the
plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker,
(Jerrold Nadler), called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to
whom?''

I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well,
when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said
(FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After
putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying
laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT
- Fresno Air Terminal) and the airline was just putting a destination tag
on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross)
called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the
cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then
take the train to Hawaii?''

9. I just got off the phone with a
freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Alabama who asked, ''How do I know
which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to
which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these
planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called
and said, ''I need to fly to PepsiCola, Florida. Do I have to get on one
of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to
Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever,
smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a
question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a
lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.
"Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one
of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a
visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times
and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New
Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to
go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''

I was at a loss for words.
Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the
town?''

"Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the
man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've
looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino
anywhere."

The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows
where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of
New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do
you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big
animal.''
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **

Now
you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

Could ANYONE
be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY
CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don't write it, I just offer it for your
consideration. Like manure, you just got to spread it
around

Gotta Love Larry!

2011-01-14T00:00:00.000-07:00

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'
------------------------------------------------------------------

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Simple!

2011-01-12T00:00:00.001-07:00

Here's a simple solution to the controversy over full body scanners:

Develop an enclosed booth that passengers step into,, but instead of
X-raying them, when the door closes, it will detonate any explosive device
they have hidden on or in their body. The explosion will be contained
within the sealed booth. This would be a win-win for everyone!

There would be no concern about racial profiling. The booth would
eliminate long, expensive trials.

You're in the airport and you hear a muffled explosion, followed by an
announcement over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers,
we now have a seat available on flight number..."

What's not to like?

Irish Confessional

2011-01-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church..

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.

The priest replies: “Get out. You're on my side.”

The First Time

2011-01-07T00:00:00.000-07:00

THE FIRST TIME

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..'

12 days of Christams

2011-01-05T00:00:00.000-07:00

December 16, 2010

On the twelve days of Christmas, My true Love gave to me.....

December 14, 2009

Dearest Dave,

I went to the door today, and the post man delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!

With truly the deepest love,

Agnes

December 15, 2009

Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtle doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love,

Yours, Agnes

December 16, 2009

Dearest Dave,

You've truly been to kind! I must protest: I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised...what more should I expect from such a nice person.

Love,
Agnes

December 17, 2009

Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18, 2009

Dearest darling Dave,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. Your truly are impossible Darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all these birds squawking from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!

All my love,
Agnes

December 19, 2009

Dear Dave,

Well I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them?

The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all this racket. Please stop dear.

Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 2009

Dave,

What is with you and those stupid birds? Seven swans a-swimming !!! What kind of sick joke is this !!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 2009

O.K. wise guy,

The birds were bad enough, Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!
Agnes

December 22, 2009

Hey loser,

What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!

You'll get yours!
Agnes

December 23, 2009

You rotten scum!!

There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids, The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!

One who means it!

December 24, 2009

Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quite: they were trampled to death by the cows, I hope you are satisfied...you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25, 2009

The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear Sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mc Holstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mc Holstein at Happy Daze sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker

7 degrees of blonde

2010-12-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND
DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling
nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

Ethel and Mabel

2010-12-27T00:00:00.001-07:00

two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.

Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing

her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year

old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup

for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had

shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune

to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

No sex since 1955

2010-12-24T00:00:00.000-07:00

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
(Gotta love military time)

The blonde for a day!

2010-12-22T00:00:00.000-07:00

Don't you just feel sorry for blondes at times . . .

Blonde For A Day

A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to
assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the
road. He was skeptical about hiring her, but she appeared
enthusiastic and told him that she really needed the job. He
explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2 miles
of line on her road, and he set her up with her brushes and
paint and got her started.

After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an
excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8
hour shift. He told her that she did an excellent job and how
pleased he was with her progress.

On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road. Her
supervisor was surprised that on day one she had completed twice
as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was
the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just
accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure
she would pick up her speed again.

On day 3 he was shocked to learn that in her 8 hour shift, she
only completed painting 1 mile of road. He called her into his
office and asked her what was the problem, "On your first day,
you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of
road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of
road." "Can I ask you, what is the problem?"

"Well, she replied, I keep getting farther and farther from the
paint can."

the anniversary

2010-12-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

A Woman

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,

'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,

'I would have gotten out today.'

Best PMS Question

2010-12-17T00:00:00.000-07:00

The Best PMS Question Ever

Q:

How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer:

One!

ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this fuck'n house knows HOW to change a fuck'n light bulb! They don't even know that the fuck'n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE fuck'n DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the fuck'n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME fuck'n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO
FUCKER EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED
FROM THE FUCK'N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE FUCK'N HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!
AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE FUCK'N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry.

What was the question again?

Humor has It

Irish funeral

The Hunters

Why Parents Drink

haha!

Things We All Would Like To Say Now And Then

Do You Fart In Bed?

Hunters....

new Maxines!!

DARN

Girls Night Out

Little Johnny

Newfie Drunk

Saga of Margaret and Bert

Middle Age Texting Codes

MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES: ATD -at the doctor.

BFF -best friend fell.

BTW -bring the wheelchair.

BYOT -bring your own teeth.

FWIW -forgot where I was.

GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.

GHA -got heartburn again.

IMHO -is my hearing aid on?

LMDO -laughing my dentures out.

OMMR -on my massage recliner.

ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.

TTYL -talk to you louder

Funny

Now I know what is wrong with all the diets I've been on

The Joys of Aging

Stanley

Old Fart Football

Wife from HELL !!

GOOD ADVICE

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

3 nuns

The Blonde Rancher's Wife

Be careful what you wish for...............

mammogram gone wrong

Chap Stick

An Old One But Still Good

The Lonely Brain Cell

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

Men's Ages as Determined by Trips to Home Depot

Thirsty Taliban

Longest Nerve

FUNNY

This made me laugh out loud!

Fluctuations

Things people actually said in court

Why I Am now Divorced

CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK

Pole Dancer

Jumping on the Bed

The Ostrich - cute!

Lie Detector

The older we get...............

Here's Your Morning Laugh!!!

You Learn So Much @ Happy hour....

The confessional

similarity!

Dynamite Devil made me do it

Politically Correct

A Sympathetic Scottish Woman

Smile

A Lady's Confession - Why I changed hotels..

The Mother of all Blonde Jokes

I GOT YOUR MAMA

They Walk Among Us

Gotta Love Larry!

Simple!

Irish Confessional

The First Time

12 days of Christams

December 16, 2010

7 degrees of blonde

Ethel and Mabel

No sex since 1955

The blonde for a day!

the anniversary

MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:
ATD -at the doctor.