Good Housekeeping Tip

THIS SURE SOLD ME! I AM GOING TO THE DOLLAR STORE TODAY & GET A DOZEN! Good Housekeeping Tip Another Maxine Tip... Always keep several get well cards on the mantle... So if unexpected guests arrive, They will think you've been sick and unable to clean

The wedding ring

	A man went to the hospital in Cooktown, Queensland to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis. According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep. I don't know what's worse: 1) Having your girl friend find out you're married. 2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis. OR... 3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring. Tough call. You decide.

REDNECK FIRE ALARM

The REDNECK FIRE ALARM Available at most local grocery stores and Wal-Mart. Now that's funny....I don't care who you are.

Witness

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!' Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?' The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

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COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THEPREGNANT LADY]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another
seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got
on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick
Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

I'm Broke

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE. I'M BROKE!! Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a standard size bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. I was furious and astounded, and as I was fuming and about to blow up when he said, 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.' I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a frickin good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

Husband wanted

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell.

Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?' the widow said. 'Just look at you ... You have no legs!'

The old gentleman smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

'You don't have any arms either!' she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ' Are you still good in bed?'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'

-------------(The wedding is scheduled for Saturday. )

Where would you be?

When men were men

The Koala and the Lizard

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint ?
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink!?'

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s Live helps you keep up with all your friends, in one place.

Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in

his son's medicine cabinet, he asked
about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad;

they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one ,

and before we leave in the morning,

I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning,

the son found $110 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said,

"I told you each pill was $10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa,

"The hundred is from Grandma!"

Spelling Counts

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people> she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her 'Hello , How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you.'
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, 'this is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?'
'You have to spell a word,' Saint Peter told her.
Which word?' the woman asked.
'Love.'
The woman correctly spelled 'Love' And Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
'I'm surprised to see you,' the woman said. 'How have you been?' '
Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,' her husband told her.
'I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. Then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. My wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am.
What a bummer!
How do I get in?'
'You have to spell a word,' the woman told him.
'Which word?' her husband asked.
Czechoslovakia ..'
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry...
There will be Hell to pay later!

Pregnancy, Estrogens, &Women

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Riddle

What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND Works Best When Jerked?

A seatbelt. And what were you thinking?? Buckle up!

A Blonde and Her Horse

A 30 year old blonde decides to try horseback riding for the first time.

With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse unassisted,

and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops long at a steady

and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides

down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly

impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from
the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has
become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....

Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.