prostitute doing her taxes

Pro stitute Doing Her Taxes A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." Then he gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" "I'm a who re," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a pro stitute?" "Well, I raised a thousand little peck ers last year." "Chicken Farmer it is."

saying goodbye to mother

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER...


You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one!
You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New
Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on,
covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local
cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front
door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into
the front door.


We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she
always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went
inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver
to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the
taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye
to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I
took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under
the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She
tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a
blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass
downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

new disease

I might call in one morning with this disease - especially when the weather gets pretty!

Another new Illness to watch out for.... Anal Glaucoma

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

Smile!

I got this new deodorant today.

The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart....
the room smells awesome.

Old Lady Issue

Itchy Old Lady One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, 'You have crabs.' She informed the doctor that it could not be crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.. She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him. The doctor said, 'You probably have crabs' 'No' she said, 'I am an eighty year old virgin.' Frustrated, she went to a third doctor. She said, 'Doctor can you help me???I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It cannot be crabs.' The doctor said,'Get on the table and let's have a look.' After examining, the doctor proclaimed, 'Ma'am, you're right, you do not have the crabs. 'This cherry is sooooo old, you have fruit flies.'

Canadian Humor

Four women were driving across the country.



Each one was from a different place, P.E.I, BC, Alberta , and Newfoundland .

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from P.E.I . Started pulling potatoes from her bag and began throwing them out of the window. 'What the heck are you doing?' demanded the girl from BC.

'We have so many of these darn things in PEI , I'm just sick of looking at them!'

A moment later, the gal from BC began pulling apples from her bag and began tossing them from the window.

'What are you doing that for?' asked the gal from PEI .

'We have so many of these things in BC, I am just sick of looking at them!'

Inspired, the gal from Alberta opened the car door and pushed the Newfie out.

ha

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a
suitcase.
He asks, 'What are you doing?'
She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there
get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the
bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming,
too, I want to see how you live on $800 a year'.

Embarrassing Medical Exams

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS 1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .' My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. .. . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.' Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. . ' Which one ?'. ... . I asked. 'The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.' Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR 6.. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.' Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered ... .... . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read .. . .' Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . .... . had to mow the lawn.' Submitted by RN no name AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . ... . . . . . . . . . . 8... As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said... . . ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . . ' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . . ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' ' Dr. wouldn't submit his name...

Blonde Joke

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked,
'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'

'Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.
I have a 28 inch waist.
Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ....

'Outside,.... when you said you.......heard someone coming.......

that was me......'

10 ways to tell if a Redneck has been on your computer

10 Ways to tell if a Redneck has been working on a Computer


* 10. The monitor is up on blocks.
* 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
* 8. The six front keys have rotted out.
* 7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
* 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
* 5. The password is "Bubba".
* 4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
* 3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
* 2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...

* 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

True Story

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said: "Call for backup."

An Affair With An Older Woman

click to enlarge if it is too small to read

For Friends

You WON'T see cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our friendship. 1. When you are sad, I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!! 2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in. 4. When you're scared, we will high tail it out of here. 5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!! 6.. When you are confused, I will use little words. 7. When you are sick, Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.... 8. When you fall, I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh my azz off!! 9. This is my oath... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; -- because you are MY FRIEND! *********************** Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only YOU can feel the true warmth. **********************

Sunday Clothes

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction. 'Hello,' said the little boy 'Hi,' replied the little girl. 'Where are you going?' asked the little boy. 'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,' Answered the little girl. 'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy. 'I go to the Catholic church back down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? ' 'I go to the Lutheran church back at the top of the hill,' Replied the little boy. They discover that they are both going the same way So they decided that they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.. 'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl. 'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' Replied the little boy. 'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull Off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.' 'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.' So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked: 'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a CATHOLIC and a LUTHERAN!!!

---

POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
" Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered ..

"Well ... Go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... .tentatively said ....

"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

New Sunburn Treatment

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

Best Blonde Joke

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh. .. . ... .. ..




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"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."?

love dress

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed..

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South! funny

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South! Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,  begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'       The woman shakes her head no.       Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.     The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.     His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!' If you don't send this to five friends, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world!

A True Story!!??

For all animal owners/lovers.... *FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY. FOR THOSE THAT DON'T, IT IS A TRUE STORY.* The following was found posted_ very low_ on a refrigerator door. Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time,* there is no secret exit from the bathroom!* If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required. The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:* TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:* (1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.* Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:* (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't smoke or drink, (7) don't want to wear your clothes, (8) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ------------------------------------------------------------ I thought I'd share a 'dog story' too.... When we lived in Pa., we had a neighbor who would constantly make snide remarks about my dogs whenever he would come to our house for swimming, picnics etc..  I love my pets and have always treated them as one of the family. If I could have, I would NOT have included him in future gatherings, but he had a very nice wife, who was well liked by all of us.  Plus they only lived two doors down from us and it was difficult not to include him with the rest of the neighbors. So when he was coming to another one of our gatherings, I posted a sign on the gate to our back yard, that I had purchased at a Dog Show a few years before.  I knew he couldn't miss it, he always came thru that gate when entering our yard.  It read....... THIS HOUSE IS MAINTAINED FOR THE COMFORT AND SECURITY OF MY DOGS, IF YOU CAN'T ACCEPT THAT THEN YOU CAN'T ACCEPT ME, SO GO AWAY!!!

Never, Never, Ever

Never, Never, Ever... As a parent, I often wonder if I taught my children everything they needed to know to lead a safe and sane life. You know what I mean . . . Don't run with a knife, don't stick beans in your nose, don't lick a frosted piece of metal, etc. But, you know, I think I might have missed this particular piece of advice. However, let's face it, if any of my sons or daughters ever tried this totally idiotic stunt, I figure they are way too stupid to survive in this world anyway!   Never . . ..   Ever . . ..   Ever . . ..   Put a FIRECRACKER   In your ass and light it!  I REPEAT. . .   Never... Ever... Ever,   Put a FIRECRACKER   In your ass & light it ! ! !   .   ..   ..   ..   ..   ..   ..   Now, that's . . . ONE DUMB ASS !