Blonde Jokes

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

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You might have to think twice about this one....

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and Then I thought, 'I just paid
$6, 000..00 for these implants...I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'

Stress Management

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
Technique used traditionally in Sicily. The funny thing is that it
Really does work.



1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out
Over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running
Water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a
Cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face
of the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already. Feel free
to forward this if you know others who might benefit from this
technique.

Why Parents Drink

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope

with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can

get to know your grandchildren.


Love, Your Son John



PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.


I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.


I love you.


Call me when it's safe to come home

Today's word is .... FLUCTUATIONS

Today's word is................. Fluctuations


I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Getting Even

*One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat..' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door. * Now THAT, my friends, is getting even.

The Penis Study... GOOD ONE!!!!

The Penis Study The Canadian Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the Canadians published the study, the Finns decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Newfoundlanders, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead!

Girls weekend

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip - shopping, pokies, massages, facials. Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going. Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine. Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go? Well, I've been here since last night.........yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me, put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'? I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over......on the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said "Now, you can do whatever you want." So………….here I am.

The secret to dying without enemies

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:


'I outlived the bitches.'

Why Why Why???

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

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Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

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Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

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Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

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Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

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Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

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If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

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Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

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Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

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Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

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Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

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Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

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How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

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When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

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Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

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In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

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How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

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And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

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another Newfie Joke.

A Newfie is driving down a back road in Newfoundland.
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer

'Lard tunderin' Jesus' he says to himself, ’dat's my tree favorite tings!!'

Welfare Momma

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's names.'

''Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are
all named Leighroy.'

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named
Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes, it makes it easier. When it's time to get
them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time
for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin. An' if I need
to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all
of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not
the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

prostitute doing her taxes

Pro stitute Doing Her Taxes A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." Then he gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" "I'm a who re," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a pro stitute?" "Well, I raised a thousand little peck ers last year." "Chicken Farmer it is."

saying goodbye to mother

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER...


You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one!
You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New
Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on,
covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local
cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front
door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into
the front door.


We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she
always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went
inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver
to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the
taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye
to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I
took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under
the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She
tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a
blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass
downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

new disease

I might call in one morning with this disease - especially when the weather gets pretty!

Another new Illness to watch out for.... Anal Glaucoma

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

Smile!

I got this new deodorant today.

The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart....
the room smells awesome.

Old Lady Issue

Itchy Old Lady One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, 'You have crabs.' She informed the doctor that it could not be crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.. She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him. The doctor said, 'You probably have crabs' 'No' she said, 'I am an eighty year old virgin.' Frustrated, she went to a third doctor. She said, 'Doctor can you help me???I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It cannot be crabs.' The doctor said,'Get on the table and let's have a look.' After examining, the doctor proclaimed, 'Ma'am, you're right, you do not have the crabs. 'This cherry is sooooo old, you have fruit flies.'

Canadian Humor

Four women were driving across the country.



Each one was from a different place, P.E.I, BC, Alberta , and Newfoundland .

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from P.E.I . Started pulling potatoes from her bag and began throwing them out of the window. 'What the heck are you doing?' demanded the girl from BC.

'We have so many of these darn things in PEI , I'm just sick of looking at them!'

A moment later, the gal from BC began pulling apples from her bag and began tossing them from the window.

'What are you doing that for?' asked the gal from PEI .

'We have so many of these things in BC, I am just sick of looking at them!'

Inspired, the gal from Alberta opened the car door and pushed the Newfie out.

ha

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a
suitcase.
He asks, 'What are you doing?'
She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there
get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the
bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming,
too, I want to see how you live on $800 a year'.

Embarrassing Medical Exams

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS 1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .' My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. .. . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.' Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. . ' Which one ?'. ... . I asked. 'The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.' Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR 6.. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.' Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered ... .... . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read .. . .' Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . .... . had to mow the lawn.' Submitted by RN no name AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . ... . . . . . . . . . . 8... As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said... . . ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . . ' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . . ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' ' Dr. wouldn't submit his name...

Blonde Joke

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked,
'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'

'Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.
I have a 28 inch waist.
Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ....

'Outside,.... when you said you.......heard someone coming.......

that was me......'