CONDOM FACTORY BURNS DOWN IN USA

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone. "Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some condoms in from Mexico .."...

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock.. What about Canada?"

Obama: "Okay, I'll call Stephen Harper and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... all colored with red maple leaves with small writing on each one: MADE IN CANADA - SIZE: MEDIUM

An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts…
so the driver happily munches them. Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts..
Driver: Why don’t you eat them yourself?
Old lady: I can’t chew. Look, I have no teeth..
...Driver: Then why do you buy them?
Old lady: Oh, I just love the chocolates around them!

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.
She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

Drunk at night

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push??” “No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push??” And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

A young woman who was several
months pregnant was sitting in a
bus.
When she noticed a young man
smiling at her she began feeling
humiliated on account of her
condition.
She changed her seat and he
seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on
seeing him laughing more. She
filed a court case on him.
In the court the man's deference
was:- When the lady boarded the
bus I couldn't help noticing she
was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement,
which read "Coming Soon- The
unknown boon"..
I was even more amused when
she then sat under a shaving
advertisement, which
read:-"William' s stick did the
trick"..
Then I could not control myself
any longer, when on the third
move she sat under an
advertisement, which read:-
"Dun lop Rubber would have
prevented this accident".. The case
was dismissed.
The judge fell off his chair
laughing.

A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"i have a better idea," she replied. "just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"wow! that's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"good," she replied. "get your own fucking blanket."

after a moment of silence, he farted.

A lady and her husband,who went to the hospital to give birth to their child, heard of a new technology from the doctor, which would transfer the labour pain from the mother to the father.

The couple were both excited and very much in favour of it. The doctor however said that, to start with, he would transfer only 10% of the pain, as even that small amount of pain would be too much for the father. They agreed and the doctor started the transfer.

The father did not show any signs of pain as the doctor kept increasing the amount of transfer. The transfer was complete at one stage with 100% pain transferred to the father. The father was comfortable even at that stage and the mother delivered the baby. The couple left the hospital with the baby, literally painless and ecstatic, only to return home and find the mailman dead on the porch!

SHIT

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile
of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the Story -
[1] Not everyone who s**ts on you is your enemy.
[2] Not everyone who gets you out of s**t is your friend.
[3] And when you're in deep s**t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

scheduling

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

Joey says, "To your house!"

Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store. Little Johnny wanted to go to the toy department, but grandmother said that they had to stop in the ladies clothing department first.
He obviously couldn’t wait that long, and the next time his grandmother turned around he was gone. She panicked and looked everywhere for him, but he had disappeared.

Finally she went to the customer service desk, intending to have them announce his name over the PA system. To her relief he was already there waiting for her. The woman at the desk said, “He wanted us to announce your name over the PA system, but he didn’t’ know what your name was. We asked him what his daddy called you, and he replied ‘mom’, next we asked him what Grandpa called you and he replied ‘sugar’. We were almost out of questions for him when another lady suggested that your daughter-in-law might call you by your first name.”

“We were so happy to see you show up at the desk,” she continued, “because when we asked him what his mommy called you, we were out of ideas!”

“Well,” asked Little Johnny’s grandmother curiously, “What did he say?”

“He said,” she replied, “that his mother called you ‘THE BITCH’!”

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now.

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire.
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him “Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight and remember that this happens only once. Ok? Don’t think about it again.”
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment: “She said this is not enough, she wants ninety.”
The wife’s face slowly turns red with anger: “Damn that b!tch…when she was pregnant and her husband came over here…I only charged him fifty…”

tell tale signs

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they’re both doctors.

After a few hours, the man says to the woman, “Hey…how about if we sleep together tonight. No strings
attached. It’ll just be one night of fun.” The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place, and he goes in the bedroom. She heads off into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom, and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, how did you know?” says the woman.

The man says, “I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.”

“Oh, that makes sense”, says the woman. ” You’re an anesthesiologist aren’t you?”

“Yeah”, says the man , a bit surprised. “But how did you know that?”

The woman answers, “Because I didn’t feel a thing!”

payback

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $300?"

oops!

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

confessional

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen" so this seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrives, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said "you have to do something about the sidewalks in the town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen".

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said "I don't know what you're laughing about because your wife fell three times this week.

lucky in love

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear?” She asked gently.

“I think you bring me bad luck.”

A man went into a grocery store, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout counter. The cashier asks the man, “Sir, do you own a dog?”
The man replies, “yes I do.”
The cashier then asks, “do you have the dog with you?”
The man replies, “no, I left it at home.”
The cashier then says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell you this dog food unless I see your dog.”

A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout counter. The same cashier asks, “Sir, do you own a cat?”
The man replies, “yes I do.”
The cashier then asks, “do you have your cat with you?”
And the man replies, “no, I left it at home.”
Then the cashier says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell you this cat food unless I see your cat.”

A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag. The cashier says, “it feels warm, soft, and gooey.”
The man then says, “now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?”

 

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, ' Dark in here.‘
The man says, ‘Yes, it is.‘
Boy: ‘I have a baseball..‘
Man: ‘That's nice‘
Boy: ‘Want to buy it?‘
Man: ‘No, thanks.‘
Boy: ‘My Dad's outside.‘
Man: ‘OK, how much?‘
Boy: ‘$250‘

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: ‘Dark in here.‘
Man: ‘Yes, it is.‘
Boy: ‘I have a baseball glove.‘
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘How much?‘
Boy: ‘$750’
Man: ‘Sold.’

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy: ‘Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.‘
The boy says: ‘I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.‘
The Dad asks: ‘How much did you sell them for?‘
Boy: ‘$1 ,O00‘
The Dad says: ‘That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.‘

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door..
The boy says: ‘Dark in here.‘
The priest says: ‘Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now.