A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. _______________________________ MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god – with his curly black hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!! ________________________________ TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me. _______________________________ WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Chris was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Chris put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Chris told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too. _______________________________ THURSDAY: Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank. _________ _ _____________________ FRIDAY: I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Chris wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? ________________________________ SATURDAY: Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. ________________________________ SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Bracelet at Tiffany's

Bracelet at Tiffany's A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly has to fart. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?' Blushing & uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, "Madam.. if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

Fireman & Orders!

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. 'From now on when I say BELL 1' I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night. ' The next night he came home from work and yelled ' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!' 'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband? 'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied 'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

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NEWFIE SEX

Two Newfie's were out drinkin' and talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'
'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other Newfie
'What is it?'
'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear:
'By Jesus, these feel just like your sister's.' Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.'

Underwear Dust

BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!!!!!! One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your ass!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! ! You guys just never learn, do not tick off the woman.

The Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud,"Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies.. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, no body wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

The Accident

Goldstein wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, finally you're awake. You probably don't remember, but you were in a
pileup on the interstate. You'll be okay, you'll walk again and everything,
but..... there's a complication. Gentle I'll try to be... but the fact is... your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we couldn't find it."
'Oy vey', groans Goldstein, but the doctor goes on,
'From your hospital insurance $9000 to you is coming. Today we have the technology to build you a new penis. It'll work even better than your old one did......maybe! But it isn't cheap.....$1000.00 an inch it'll cost you.'
Goldstein perks up.
'So,' the doctor says, 'It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But with your wife you
should discuss it. Because if before you had five inches and you decide to go for nine, she might be very happy.....but if before you had nine, and you decide only to invest in five, she might be
disappointed.'
Goldstein agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day and says, 'So, you
spoke with your wife?'
'I did,' says Goldstein.
'And she told you how she feels ?'
'Yes, she did' he says.
'So what it's going to be?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting granite countertops.'

Meet Marvin, not that I'd want to

Meet Marvin, Men's answer

to Maxine!!!

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. Ther e is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course.. He'll shut up once you let him in..
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will n ever be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle it!

AND MAXINE SAYS.............'MARVIN'....

Maxine just had to have the last word.

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A Walk with Grandpa

Grandpa Story A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a specialeffort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would takehis 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bondingtime. Just he and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn'tfeel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and saidthat she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, thelittle girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, PaPa' thegirl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!' Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it!

An Oh Shit Moment

This is a real OH Shit moment!!!!!

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used
A cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at
The airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming
Up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the
Door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took
off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,
'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take
Pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he
Responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he
Stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is .... you're NOT my
Flight instructor

Another Good one]

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Charles had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Charles even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that.......... Charles was too tired.'

God is good

hockey cup

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and
the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

Very Touching...

Dear God,

Please, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Dads computer.

Amen

Good Housekeeping Tip

THIS SURE SOLD ME! I AM GOING TO THE DOLLAR STORE TODAY & GET A DOZEN! Good Housekeeping Tip Another Maxine Tip... Always keep several get well cards on the mantle... So if unexpected guests arrive, They will think you've been sick and unable to clean

The wedding ring

	A man went to the hospital in Cooktown, Queensland to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis. According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep. I don't know what's worse: 1) Having your girl friend find out you're married. 2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis. OR... 3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring. Tough call. You decide.