Friday, September 26, 2008

6 year olds

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.
She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1 Don't change horses until they stop running
2.>Strike while the bug is close
3 It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time
4 Never underestimate the power of termites
5 You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7 No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr
9 You can't teach an old dog new Math
10 If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning
11 Love all, trust Me
12 The pen is mightier than the pigs
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14 Where there's smoke there's pollution
15 Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19 Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21.Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22.If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23 You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box
24When the blind lead the blind get out of the way
25 A bird in the hand is going to poop on you
And the WINNER and last one
26 Better late than Pregnant

Thursday, September 25, 2008

63 and Pregnant

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her s tory, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. 'What the hell's wrong with you?' he demanded. 'This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: 'Does she still have the hiccups?'

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

And Then the Fight Started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I hadleft my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processedmy Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience atthe Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And then the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started.....

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started... .

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled
He went to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is Law.'
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied, 'The F---in' funeral director would be my first guess.'

Monday, September 22, 2008

Medical Advice for Women

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Wh en is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
'Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Book Report

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand
What we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was
Nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,
'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,
But they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been
Invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad
Apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long
As he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived
To be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,
But one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a
Large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked
Some other people to join him, but they said they would
Have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more
Famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his
Birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son
Named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt
And away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on
Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,
Bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your
Neighbor's' stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first
Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and
The fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a
Giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had
About 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,
But that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then
Barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league
Prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the
Star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.

(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying
to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would
be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like
the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.
Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even
preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the
Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Very Interesting Fruit.

A professor at CCNY for a physiological psych class told his class about bananas. He said the expression "going bananas" is from the effects of bananas on the brain. Read on:

Never, put your banana in the refrigerator!!!
This is interesting. After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again.
Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.
Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes. But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit.
It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.
Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.
Anemia :
High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.
Blood Pressure:
This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.
Brain Power:
200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school ( England ) were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.
High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.
One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey.. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.
Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.
Morning Sickness:
Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.
Mosquito bites:
Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation. Nerves:
Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight and at work?
Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.
The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach. Temperature control:
Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD):
Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan. Smoking &Tobacco Use:
Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.
Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack. Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!
Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills.
When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals.
It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around
So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"
Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time!
I will add one here; want a quick shine on our shoes?? Take the INSIDE of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe...polish with dry cloth. Amazing fruit !!!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Quote for the day

"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit."
Love and appreciate all the women in your life.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Cruise Gone Bad

This is sooooo BAD!

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time,Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it.
After a while, Bob and Toms resistance to natures urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried Debbie.

Thursday, September 4, 2008


1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who diedpeacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all thepassengers in his car.'--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and youget a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'--Author Unknown

3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?There's a support group for that.It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'--Drew Carey

4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it'snot a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked intodoing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,drop them off at the wrong house.'--Jeff Foxworthy

5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly balland saving an infant's life, she will choose to save theinfant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.'--Dave Barry

6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriendwants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.There should be severance pay, the day before they leaveyou, they should have to find you a temp.'--Bob Ettinger

7) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.''--Paula Poundstone

8) 'A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to theauthors of that study: 'Duh.'--Conan O'Brien

9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.'--Lynda Montgomery

10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crimeand the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.''--Richard Jeni

11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.'--Johnny Carson

12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'--Paul Rodriguez

13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,but they turned sixty and that's the law.'--Jerry Seinfeld

14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that incase of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file linefrom smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?What, do tall people burn slower?'--Warren Hutcherson

15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.Monogamy is the same.'--Oscar Wilde

16) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were amember of Congress.. But I repeat myself.'--Mark Twain

17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.At least they can find Afghanistan '--A. Whitney Brown

18) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog,and the dog will give you a look that says,'My God, you're right!I never would've thought of that!''--Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'?Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken. -- Unknown, presumed deceased

20) 'Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.'--W. C. Fields

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Olympic funnies

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1 . Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2 . Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3 . Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4 . Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5 . Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6 . Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7 . At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8 Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9 . Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door...
This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:


Monday, September 1, 2008

No Enemies

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.'