Friday, October 30, 2009

sound familiar?

Oh dear, this is sounding waaaaaaaay too familiar!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,

put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back

on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,

since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,

and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,

so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,

but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,

and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,

a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and

discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,

but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,

fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,

I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,

but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,

get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to

remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,

and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor.

Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Dishes - this is very good

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one
day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years
old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the
Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house,

Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who
Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a
Huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the
stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her
over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way
right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still,
Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!


Wednesday, October 28, 2009

cowboy boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted
a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them
and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back
into the kitchen completely undressed except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging
today, it was hanging down yesterday
, it'll be hanging down again


"Nope", she replied.


Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat,
Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them, No way will I donate!!

Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

Monday, October 26, 2009


A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the
final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would
win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
$25,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover. It
was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own
nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up
her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained
was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

She hoped she would not have to use it because........ Her friend
was,........ well, a blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the
question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:
'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that
her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that
would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded
with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help
but be convinced.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

'That answer is Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million

'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant. 'How
did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
nests... They live in clocks.'

Sally fainted.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The Wedding Ring

The Wedding Ring

LORNE went to the hospital in Toronto to have his wedding ring cut off from
his penis.
According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the
ring in his pants pocket.

She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to
slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.


3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tough call. You decide.

Thursday, October 22, 2009


some times men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut...

On their wedding night, the young bridea pproached her new
Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first l ovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more
Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to
Afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find
Her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes,
he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which sowed more than thirty
Years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly 1 million. Then she
Showed him certificates of deposits issued b the bank which were worth
over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest
depositors in the bank.
She explained that For the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied And these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3
Million, her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, but
Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you
Were doing, I would have given you all my Business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when To keep their mouths shut!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The hairdryer

Getting a hairdryer through customs...
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

Of course child What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Rum And Coke!

Rum & Coke

A priest was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's .

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Newfie asked for a rum & coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust ... "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Newfie handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Monday, October 19, 2009

(Who can't appreciate this!!!!)

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"145," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 170.

The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 6," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I was tall
And slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.. What a witch!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Guess who's due in 3 months?

Hi Family & Friends,

I thought that you would like to hear this from me 1st and not from someone else. I know what you are probably thinking why I haven't told you before now. This is confidential but it will eventually come out......

Anyway guess who is due in 3 months????????????


Santa Claus

Thursday, October 15, 2009

A new illness

Another new Illness to watch out for... Anal Glaucoma
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she

is staying home because she

is not feeling well.

'What's the matter?' he asks.
'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.
'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'
'I can't see my ass coming into work today.'