Wednesday, November 23, 2016
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned. "The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would." Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."
Friday, November 18, 2016
A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."
The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"
The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...
Saturday, August 27, 2016
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”
The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
“Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket ’bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”
“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.”
“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied.
“So what happened then?” the man asked.
The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”
“And then?” “Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket ’bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”
Man laughed and said, “Again?”
The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So, what did you do then?” the man asked.
“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”
“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again.
Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
“Hmmm…” the man said and nodded his head.
“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.
“So, what did you do?” the man asked.
“Well,” the farmer said,
“I didn’t have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… Some things you just can’t explain.”
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
A trucker made a stop at an off-the-road café and placed his order.
“I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards.”
A blond waitress (it was her first day on the job) didn’t want to look stupid in front of the customer.
So she went to the kitchen and asked the cook, ‘This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”
“No,” the cook replied. ‘Three flat tires means three pancakes. A pair of headlights means two eggs sunny side up. And a pair of running boards means 2 slices of crisp bacon!”
“Oh. OK!” said the blonde, relieved to finally understand the code words. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, blondie?”
She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up! ”