I get so many jokes in my email inbox...that I thought it would be fun to share some of them with my friends. Please note..SOME JOKES ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN. IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED..PLEASE STOP NOW.
These are something else....hope you enjoy them.
I went to Bob's Golf Pro Shop; where a young lady approached and asked if she could help me. I told her I wanted a sand wedge, for my son for Christmas - she looked at me & told me they didn't sell food there. I said "no - a saanndd wedge"; and she once again told me they didn't sell food there. Oh Yes FYI - she was blonde..
They are alive and well in London Ontario
After having their 11th child, a Newfoundland couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Newfie said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a
firecracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Quebec and some parts of Saskatchewan ..
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE. BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
Every once in a while, in life, you see a genius with true talent!
For those with kids and those without!!
FOR ALL OF YOU WITH LITTLE KIDS...READ CAREFULLY...FOR ALL OF US THAT ARE DONE WITH THAT...KEEP ON LAUGHING!!!
A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What's that mean?' asked the child.
'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'
Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block..'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'
( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
If you ain't laffin'...
You ain't livin'
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
I don't know about you sometimes..
A blonde city girl marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out
to the fields, the rancher says to her, 'The insemination man is coming
over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by
4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is
when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the
front door. The wife takes him down to the barn. They walk along the
row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one,
The man, assuming he is dealing with an 'air head blonde', asks, 'Tell
me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know this is the cow
to be bred?'
'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
She turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder. 'I guess it's
to hang your pants on.'
(It's nice to see a blonde win once in awhile)
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small..
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'