Friday, May 29, 2009

Personal Ad

Actually Posted to Craig's List Personals...
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in
downtown Savannah the night before last.

Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43 AM EST
I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I
hand over
, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.
I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after
you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that
evening, and it wasn't that cold outside.

You see, my girlfriend had
just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for Christmas,
and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening.
Beautiful pistol, eh?

It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at
your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun
walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge
flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you
also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I
couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try
to mug us again.

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma"
as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your
situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas
station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy
with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go
Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet.

I threw the wallet
in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the
windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a
bunch of phone sex numbers from your cellphone. They'll be on your
bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down
the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so
I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't
permanently cut off your service.

I could only get in two threatening
phone calls to the D A 's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy
was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).

I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead
making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll
reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky..

- Alex
P.S. Remember this motto..... an armed society is a polite society!

This one is for all the "gun" people!

Thursday, May 28, 2009


We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) an ass hole
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Idiot Sightings

Be Careful Out There:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my re quest. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said " 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The cl erk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spo ken . We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi
They walk among us... and the scary part is that they
and they REPRODUCE .

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

To All Pet Lovers

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, bark, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college
(11) don't answer back and
(12) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..

Monday, May 25, 2009

best short joke ever

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

Friday, May 22, 2009

A Rule to Remember

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold ?''
It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'
Always remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

...and then more fights started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started...


My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And then the fight started.... ******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started...


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and a Fairview Township Cop named Boyles slowly got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one ARE you?" And then the fight started.....


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.... And then the fight started...


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started... ******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started... ******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started......


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started. ..

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Innocence is Priceless

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? '
The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

'Which service, the 8:00am or the 10:00am?'

Monday, May 18, 2009

The Hired Help

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked , and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clockand no hired hand Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
' Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling h ands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

Friday, May 15, 2009

Compassionate Women

This little story will define true "FEMALE COMPASSION"
A man is sitting on a blanket at the beach. He has no arms and no legs. Three women are walking past and feel sorry for the poor man.
The first woman stops and says "Have you ever had a hug?" The man says "No."
So she gives him a hug and walks on.
The second woman says "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man says "No."
So she gives him a kiss and walks on.
The third woman came to him and says "Have you ever been fu__ed?" The man breaks into a big smile and says, "No."
And she says, "You will be when the tide comes in."

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Irish Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night.
They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..."Look Paddy...there's that freaking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it." !!!!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Thought for the Day

I'm just passing this thought along .....
Have you ever wondered if the one or five dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a strippers's butt crack?
If not, you're wondering now.
Have a nice day . :)

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Washcloth

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.
I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 AM. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal: some shopping, cleaning, and cooking.After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
"No," she said, "I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
Never going back to that doctor.

Monday, May 11, 2009


I know most of you are dog lovers and will help. Our neighbor has lost her Chihuahua puppy and is desperate to find him. Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV and realized he was gone. She called out to him and he never responded. She then noticed the back door was open. She has been putting up signs everywhere in an effort to have him returned.


Friday, May 8, 2009

Bragging about kids....

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party .
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for hisbirthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.' The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Church Bulletins

These wonderful Church Bulletins are alleged to have appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services. Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of thosethings not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someonewho is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't caremuch about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obviouspleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nurserydownstairs
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the helpthey can get.
rving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. Soends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music willfollow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of severalnew members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased personyou want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment andgracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. Theymay be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across fromthe Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies areinvited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lendhim their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use theback door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Churchbasement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attendthis tragedy
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Pleaseuse large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan lastSunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Mistaken Identity

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving athim.She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where heknows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I
think you're the father of one of my kids.Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful tohis wife and says,' My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor partythat I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching whileyour partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No ....I'm your son's teacher.'

Monday, May 4, 2009

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again
The local paper read:
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery.. even shorten your life...
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Another Blonde Joke

The First Blonde Guy Joke!
good one!...
The very first ever Blonde guy joke, and well worth the wait!
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well..
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."