Jumping On the Bed
Gotta love women~
A sixty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and
squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea
how ridiculous you look?, What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just
came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of
an 18 year-old".
The husband said, "What did he say about your 66 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
(Men . .. . they just never know when to shut up, do they?)
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Jumping On the Bed
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
At 5:30 that afternoon, his 11 year old son, Tommy, returned home from school two hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked his mother, Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Monday, March 21, 2011
The older we get....
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets .
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'
'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. Then the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher : 'Rush him in to emergency!'
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask, "did I wake you?"
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
share this with every one you can remember right now!
And don't forget..
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
A chicken farmer went to a local bar...
Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass
of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me...
I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
What a coincidence!' says the farmer!
As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for
years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence!'
Monday, March 14, 2011
After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.
After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window... nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit... still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.
Finally the dunk yells out... "Ain't no use knocking, there ain't no paper over here either!"