Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Why Why Why???

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

another Newfie Joke.

A Newfie is driving down a back road in Newfoundland.
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

Lobster Tail and Beer

'Lard tunderin' Jesus' he says to himself, ’dat's my tree favorite tings!!'

Monday, April 26, 2010

Welfare Momma

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's names.'

''Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are
all named Leighroy.'

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes, it makes it easier. When it's time to get
them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time
for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin. An' if I need
to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all
of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not
the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

Friday, April 23, 2010

prostitute doing her taxes

Pro stitute Doing Her Taxes

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." Then he gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a who re," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a pro stitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peck ers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

Thursday, April 22, 2010

saying goodbye to mother


You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one!
You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New
Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on,
covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local
cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front
door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into
the front door.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she
always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went
inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver
to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the
taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye
to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I
took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under
the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She
tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a
blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass
downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Monday, April 19, 2010

new disease

I might call in one morning with this disease - especially when the weather gets pretty!

Another new Illness to watch out for.... Anal Glaucoma

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


I got this new deodorant today.

The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart....
the room smells awesome.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Old Lady Issue

Itchy Old Lady

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch.

She told the doctor her problem and he said, 'You have crabs.'

She informed the doctor that it could not be crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin..

She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him.

The doctor said, 'You probably hav
e crabs'

'No' she said, 'I am an eighty year old virgin.'
Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.

She said, 'Doctor can you help me???I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It cannot be crabs.'

The doctor said,'Get on the table and let's have a look.'

After examining, the doctor proclaimed

'Ma'am, you're right, you do not have the crabs.

'This cherry is sooooo old, you have fruit flies.'




Thursday, April 8, 2010

Canadian Humor

Four women were driving across the country.

Each one was from a different place, P.E.I, BC, Alberta , and Newfoundland .

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from P.E.I . Started pulling potatoes from her bag and began throwing them out of the window. 'What the heck are you doing?' demanded the girl from BC.

'We have so many of these darn things in PEI , I'm just sick of looking at them!'

A moment later, the gal from BC began pulling apples from her bag and began tossing them from the window.

'What are you doing that for?' asked the gal from PEI .

'We have so many of these things in BC, I am just sick of looking at them!'

Inspired, the gal from Alberta opened the car door and pushed the Newfie out.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a
He asks, 'What are you doing?'
She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there
get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the
bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming,
too, I want to see how you live on $800 a year'.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Embarrassing Medical Exams


1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift
I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. .. . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad
news when I told a wife that her husband had
died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications. .
' Which one ?'. ... . I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

6.. I was performing rounds at the
hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your
breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered ... .... . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read .. . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . .... . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . ... . . . . . . . . . .

8... As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said... . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '

Dr. wouldn't submit his name...