Wednesday, December 29, 2010

7 degrees of blonde

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'


Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'


A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'


A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'


Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'


Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'


Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling
nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

Monday, December 27, 2010

Ethel and Mabel

two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.

Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing

her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year

old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup

for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had

shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune

to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Friday, December 24, 2010

No sex since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
(Gotta love military time)

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The blonde for a day!

Don't you just feel sorry for blondes at times . . .

Blonde For A Day

A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to
assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the
road. He was skeptical about hiring her, but she appeared
enthusiastic and told him that she really needed the job. He
explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2 miles
of line on her road, and he set her up with her brushes and
paint and got her started.

After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an
excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8
hour shift. He told her that she did an excellent job and how
pleased he was with her progress.

On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road. Her
supervisor was surprised that on day one she had completed twice
as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was
the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just
accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure
she would pick up her speed again.

On day 3 he was shocked to learn that in her 8 hour shift, she
only completed painting 1 mile of road. He called her into his
office and asked her what was the problem, "On your first day,
you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of
road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of
road." "Can I ask you, what is the problem?"

"Well, she replied, I keep getting farther and farther from the
paint can."

Monday, December 20, 2010

the anniversary

A Woman

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,

'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,

'I would have gotten out today.'

Friday, December 17, 2010

Best PMS Question

The Best PMS Question Ever


How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer:


ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this fuck'n house knows HOW to change a fuck'n light bulb! They don't even know that the fuck'n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE fuck'n DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the fuck'n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME fuck'n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO

I'm sorry.

What was the question again?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


This is nasty but funny!
Subject: FUNNIEST PERSONAL AD / I was in tears laughing omg!!!!!!!



To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2010-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Bur berry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ...45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you, but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,


I probably don't have to ask you to forward this one.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Those Italians

Those Italians

An Italian man is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 20 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh 20 pounds, but the Italian guy just shrugs, "Dat'sa about average backa home-a, like I saida, atsa my boy, a typical Italian bambino."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW" woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Italian baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "He's a Fifteena poundsa."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds the day he was born!"

The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"We gotta him circumcised!"

Friday, December 10, 2010

Do Cats Stutter?

A teacher's story about stuttering

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'Fuck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Mexican Jews

Mexican Jews

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican
restaurant in Los Angeles. Sid asks Al, 'Do you know of any people of our
faith born and raised in Mexico?'

Al replies, 'I don't know, let's ask our waiter.'
When the waiter arrives, Al asks, 'Are there any Mexican
The waiter says, 'I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.' He
returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, 'No senor, the cook
say no Mexican Jews.'

Al isn't satisfied and asks, 'Are you absolutely sure?'
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos' replies, 'I
check once again, senor,' and goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, 'I find it hard to believe
that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.'

The waiter returns and says, 'Senor, the head cook Tom, he say
there is no Mexican Jews.'

'Are you certain?' Al asks again. 'I just can't believe there
are no Mexican Jews!'

'Senor, I ask EVERYONE,' replies the exasperated waiter. 'All
we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.'

Friday, October 29, 2010

Man or Woman

This is too funny, you gotta read this one!!!


On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The

turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck

by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails. Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to

die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on

this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They

all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome:

tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk

slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.

One button at a time........

No one moves...................

He removes his shirt................

Muscles rippled across his chest..........

She gasps....................

He whispers in her ear................

'Iron this....then get me a beer.'

Rolling on the floor   laughing

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Blonde not miss it!

Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . ...

So I just switched the heads.'



I sure didn't.


Monday, October 25, 2010

Bob and the Blonde

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob
and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

Friday, October 22, 2010

The hypnotist

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotised 7 blokes then dropped the mike on his foot & said "Fuck me".

What happened next will haunt me forever.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

World's Easiest Quiz

(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)
Only thickos will fail

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3)From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9 ) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 3 correct answers to pass ..

Check your answers below.


1)How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2)Which country makes Panama hats?

3)From which animal do we get cat gut?
Sheep and Horses

4)In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5)What is a camel's hair brush made of?
Squirrel fur

6)The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7)What was King George VI's first name?

8)What color is a purple finch?

9)Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
New Zealand

10)What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange (of course!)

What do you mean, you failed?!!

Me, too...!!!

(And don't try to tell me you passed)
Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too!

A little known fact....
The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

That means it took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Travel B.C.

Travel B.C.

A pretty, young, woman from Vancouver was so depressed that
she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young seaman saw her teetering on the edge of the
pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to Hawaii in the morning. If you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her waist and added, "I'll keep
you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The young woman nodded. What did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh
start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in the bowels of the

From then on, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit every

night, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, the young woman was discovered by the Captain during
a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the seamen," she explained. "I get
food and a trip to Hawaii and in return he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Nanaimo ferry."

Friday, October 15, 2010

An Incredible Story!

This is an Incredible story!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating
from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found
a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood
out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious
look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments..
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo
with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot
off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all
the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help
wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and
made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant..

* This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming
bullshit stories.*

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Her Diary - His Diary (How True!)

Her Diary

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends
all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit
late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I
suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but
he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I
asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't
upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On
the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say,
'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my
caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and
his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I
don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a

His Diary:

Motorcycle wouldn't start today. Can't figure it out, but at
least I got laid.