Friday, July 23, 2010
He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was
feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a single red rose!!
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed!
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly
clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back
at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner
of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from
his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to
get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you,
darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son. What
happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over
the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got
that black eye
when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son, 'so, why is
everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast
is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT...
Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off,
you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the Right thing, at the Right time:
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini..'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS. ' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.' And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order...'
Friday, July 2, 2010