Friday, July 23, 2010

HUSBANDS....a must read for men

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.
He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was
feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a single red rose!!

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed!
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly
clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back
at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner
of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from
his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to
get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you,
darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son. What
happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over
the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got
that black eye
when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son, 'so, why is
everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast
is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT...
Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off,
you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the Right thing, at the Right time:


Thursday, July 15, 2010

Someone was looking for you...

Someone was looking for you......

This guy knocked on my door, and said he was looking for you.

I lied.. and told him I didn't know where you were.

You OWE me!!!

Monday, July 12, 2010

Blonde Genies

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted
three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course
mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

After he makes love to all of them (obviously a super stud), he begins to explore
this fabulous house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks
down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in
Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a
rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods.
It's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first
wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'

Monday, July 5, 2010

Putting Your Affairs In Order

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini..'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS. ' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.' And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order...'

Friday, July 2, 2010

Ear Infection

You guys are gonna laugh!

Ear Infection

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!!