Friday, October 29, 2010

Man or Woman

This is too funny, you gotta read this one!!!


On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The

turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck

by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails. Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to

die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on

this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They

all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome:

tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk

slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.

One button at a time........

No one moves...................

He removes his shirt................

Muscles rippled across his chest..........

She gasps....................

He whispers in her ear................

'Iron this....then get me a beer.'

Rolling on the floor   laughing

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Blonde not miss it!

Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . ...

So I just switched the heads.'



I sure didn't.


Monday, October 25, 2010

Bob and the Blonde

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob
and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

Friday, October 22, 2010

The hypnotist

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotised 7 blokes then dropped the mike on his foot & said "Fuck me".

What happened next will haunt me forever.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

World's Easiest Quiz

(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)
Only thickos will fail

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3)From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9 ) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 3 correct answers to pass ..

Check your answers below.


1)How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2)Which country makes Panama hats?

3)From which animal do we get cat gut?
Sheep and Horses

4)In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5)What is a camel's hair brush made of?
Squirrel fur

6)The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7)What was King George VI's first name?

8)What color is a purple finch?

9)Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
New Zealand

10)What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange (of course!)

What do you mean, you failed?!!

Me, too...!!!

(And don't try to tell me you passed)
Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too!

A little known fact....
The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

That means it took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Travel B.C.

Travel B.C.

A pretty, young, woman from Vancouver was so depressed that
she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young seaman saw her teetering on the edge of the
pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to Hawaii in the morning. If you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her waist and added, "I'll keep
you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The young woman nodded. What did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh
start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in the bowels of the

From then on, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit every

night, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, the young woman was discovered by the Captain during
a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the seamen," she explained. "I get
food and a trip to Hawaii and in return he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Nanaimo ferry."

Friday, October 15, 2010

An Incredible Story!

This is an Incredible story!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating
from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found
a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood
out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious
look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments..
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo
with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot
off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all
the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help
wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and
made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant..

* This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming
bullshit stories.*

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Her Diary - His Diary (How True!)

Her Diary

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends
all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit
late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I
suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but
he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I
asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't
upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On
the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say,
'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my
caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and
his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I
don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a

His Diary:

Motorcycle wouldn't start today. Can't figure it out, but at
least I got laid.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Big People Words

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to

the first grade.

biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'

then asked Mitchell what he had done

took a ride on a choo-choo'.

said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People'

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'
> ( I love this...

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride, and said,
'Winnie the