Now I know what is wrong with all the diets I've been on

It pays to read labels.


SHAMPOO ALERT!! As I was shampooing my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read the bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! Seriously, Now I understand why I am so "full-figured"! I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says right on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove." It pays to read the warning labels!
Thank You,

The Joys of Aging

Roger , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?' The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

Stanley

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, ' Stanley, what's your problem?'

Stanley answered,'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough.

She took Stanley to the principal's office.

While Stanley waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Stanley was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Stanley : '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Stanley: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Stanley can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Stanley both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Stanley, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Stanley replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms.Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Stanley : 'Pants.'

Ms.Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Stanley : 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Stanley replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Stanley : 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms.Brooks:'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Stanley: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Stanley in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

Wife from HELL !!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.' The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ' Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?' The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.' As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?' The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.' The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.' The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.' And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??' The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?' (I love this part) Only when he's been drinking'

GOOD ADVICE

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level and beat you
with experience.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you.. But it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish to them.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You don't need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.

The voices in my head may be fake... but they have good ideas!

Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you
wish they were.

I scream the same way whether I'm about to be eaten by a shark or seaweed
touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
can't get away.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
20. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
21. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
22. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
23. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
24. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
25. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)
26. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
27. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
28. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on!

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!