Friday, October 31, 2008

Joe's Operation

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was with out a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought,'That's what I need .. a new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman,
'I'd like a new suit.'The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?''Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's se e, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?''
Been in the business 60 years.'Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache'
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS

Thursday, October 30, 2008


A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman. The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it . 'The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.' When she returned, she said, 'We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month, plus living expenses.'

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I Think You Are The Father (of one of my kids)

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER (OF ONE OF MY KIDS )A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table
with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I Have A Question!

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?? Do Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks?"
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Monday, October 27, 2008

Just some Thoughts For The Day

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators and change purse.MONEYA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need... but it's on sale.
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that - is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.SUCCESSA successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Taking A Wonan to Bed

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Living Will

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Top 8 Morons of 2008

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked Intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forcedHim to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein theKidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', theMan shouted, 'that's not what I said!'

A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and herContractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' theDoctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, the putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Old Lady Goes To Heaven

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gate when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter
'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'
'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'
I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'
'You can't go there,' says St. Peter. You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'
'Maybe so,' says the old lady, 'But I've already got the holes for that.'

Monday, October 20, 2008

29Lines to Make You Smile

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24 ..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 26..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Fireman Sex

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go! 'From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night. '
The next ! night h e came home from work and yelled 'BELL 1!'
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few ! minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband? 'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied ' Y OU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Blone Joke

Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!

Football FINALLY makes sense..........A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They hadGreat seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he askedHer how she liked the experience.'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and All the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were Killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of The game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the Quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo?
It's only 25 cents !!!


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I thought you might get a kick out of this one. :)

A woman in her fifties is at home, NAKED,
happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks,
'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?
What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 55-year old ass ?'
'Your name never came up in the conversation,' she replied.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Alcoholic Funny

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand. He is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
'Can I help you sir?'
'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr!'
The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'
'It wasss on the end of thisshh key' the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out. He asks.., 'Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down and without missing a beat, blurts out........... 'Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!


A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, whereyour mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: ...You'll love this ....

'You've got Male!'

Monday, October 13, 2008

mid- life

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be . . . Puhleeeeeeeze! I've
had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them
with you.
Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, 'Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too.'
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones. Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, cell phone-wearing teenager and think: 'For this I have stretch marks?'
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin ..
Mid-life means that you become more reflective . You start pondering the 'big' questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with
it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!