Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Different ways to Look at Things

(or the uncertainty of the English language)
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?
'Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself'
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids'.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you'.
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute..'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
----------------------------------------------------Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun?!
What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Better than A Flu shot!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated..... of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh,yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu ALL winter.

Monday, December 29, 2008

$7 Sex

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.


Sunday, December 28, 2008

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, she is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf'

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Little boy on a Bus

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom,and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'

Friday, December 26, 2008

Body Stats!

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are still busy checking their thumbs

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The Insensitivity of Women

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die ?' she says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.
Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?' At this point the wife rolls over and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... you don't.

Monday, December 22, 2008


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
I bought her new bath scales.
And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the
truck, the car, playing golf
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home one day,
I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny
pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I
was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as
well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Only a Newfie Could ....

Only a Newfoundlander can make you feel like a REAL woman!!

A plane passed through a severe storm.
The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely.
She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die.' Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?' For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Newfoundland stood up in a the rear of the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well built,with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time.
No one moved as he removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.
She gasped...
Then, he spoke... 'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Nurse

You gotta love a good nurse...
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in
his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors
hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his
hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive
tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well
soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The Vibrator

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.

Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.

Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I' m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.

She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

7 kinds of sex


The 1st kind of sex is called:

Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called:

Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called:

Bedroom Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called:

Hallway Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called:

Religious Sex.

Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind of sex is called:

Courtroom Sex.

This is when you cannot Stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, But not enough to live on.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Drunk In the Toilet

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood- curdling scream is heard minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You Idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Christmas Movies!

- Top 15 Rejected Christmas Movie Titles
Top 15 Rejected Christmas Movie Titles

15. “Miracle and a Quickie on 42nd Street — A Times Square Christmas”

14. Spike Lee’s “Get On the Sleigh”

13. Van Damme IS “Santa Claude”

12. Michael Jackson stars in “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”

11. “The Deep II — A Chappaquiddick Holiday with Uncle Ted”

10. “There’s No Santa Claus, Charlie Brown”

9. The spoiled brats ask for the moon and Santa delivers, in “Naked Buns II”

8. Mickey Rooney & Andy Rooney in “Grumpy Old Elves”

7. Ross Perot as the autistic elf in “Reindeer Man” (”Of course, I’d be an excellent President.”)

6. “It’s a Wonderful Life, My Ass — Pass the Malt Liquor”

5. Steven Segal IS “MissleToe”

4. Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Shue in “Ho, Ho, Ho!”

3. He’s got a red nose and an Uzi. And he’s about to teach them some “new” reindeer games in “Rudolph II — First Blood”

2. “Blazing Saddles 2 — How the Stench Stole Christmas”

1. “No, YOU Open It!” — ‘A Ted Kaczynski Christmas’

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'

Monday, December 8, 2008

Shopping for a Turkey

It was Christmas Eve in a supermarket and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.
In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said "Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
"No" he replied, "They're all dead".

Friday, December 5, 2008

Christmas Angel

One Christmas, a long time ago, Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip; but there were problems ...... everywhere.
Four of his elves were away sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs. Claus popped in to tell Santa that her mother was coming to stay for Christmas; which stressed him even more.
After a while, he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and run away, heaven knows where to.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards broke and several large toy-bags fell to the ground, scattering their contents all over the place. Needless to say, Santa was not in the best of moods.
Suddenly, the doorbell rang and he went to the door expecting another problem. But when he opened it, there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree that she had brought especially to cheer him up.
The angel greeted him very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa Claus. Isn't it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful tree for you. See, isn't it just the loveliest Christmas tree you've ever seen? Where would you like me to put it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Thursday, December 4, 2008


It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mum if he could have a new bike. So, she told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. So his mum told him that would be fine.
Sam went to his room and wrote 'Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.' But he wasn't very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote 'Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.' He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either. He tried a third version. 'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.' He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied.
So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter. 'Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you'd better send me a new bike.'

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Luck of the Draw.

A man found himself in terrible financial difficulties. He is so desperate that for the first time in his life he gets down on his knees and prays to God for help. 'Dear God, I desperately need your help. I have no money to spend on Christmas presents for my family. Could you possibly arrange it so that I win the Lottery?' The lottery draw is held, but he wins nothing. He sends another prayer to God. 'My business has gone bust and if I don't get some money soon I'll lose my car and my Christmas will be very difficult. Please fix things so I win the lottery.' Lottery night comes, but he's unlucky. So he prays to God again. 'Please God, I've lost my car and now they're trying to take my house. Please help me to win the Lottery or our Christmas will be ruined.' Come lottery night, he again fails to win anything. Undeterred, he prays to God again. 'I am now bankrupt, my house has been repossessed by the finance company and so has my car. We are now living on the street, but all I need to get my life back together and perhaps enjoy some kind of Christmas is to win the lottery.' Suddenly there's a flash of brilliant life as the heavens open and the man is confronted by the very voice of God himself. 'Hey, do me a favour will you, buy a ticket.'

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

A 3-Year Old Tells All

A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall.

By Shannon Popkin

My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker.

He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window.

People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked.

There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.

Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:

'Mommy, are you gonna go potty?

Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy?

Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now?

Mommy, what are you doing?

Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?'

At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.

Cade continued:

'Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you?

Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy!

Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty?

Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy!

Oh ... Mommy!

I'm trying to see In dere.

Oh! I see dem.

Dat is a very good girl, Mommy.

You are gonna get some candy!

'I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her?Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting.

Trying to divert him, I said, 'Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!

''No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies.

Oh! Mommy!

'He started to gag at this point.

'Uh - oh, Mommy.

I fink I'm gonna frow up.

Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!!

Dat is so gross!!

'As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself:

OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.


Would you get off the potty, now?

I want you to be done going stinkies!

Get up!

Get up!'

He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blownlaughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door.

'Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy?

You wooking under da door?

What were you wooking at?


You wooking at the wady's feet?

More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess thesituation.

'Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now.

We have to go out now, Mommy.

'He started pounding on the door.

'Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands?

I want to go out!!

'I saw that my 'wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud.

My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought,

'Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?'

But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.

(Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives with her family in Grand Rapids , Michigan , where she no longer uses public restrooms)

Monday, December 1, 2008

The Old Lady

This will warm your heart.

The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today. Dear Safety Harbor Middle School :

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off. Thank you for that opportunity.