Wednesday, June 30, 2010

This is an Incredible story

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,

after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments..

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs

and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant..

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

Monday, June 28, 2010

You're gonna like this one!

They walk among us. We're doomed.

Read All The Way - Be Amazed
Natural Born Citizens Beware!

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair
was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?" Yep, these are the same kind of 18-year-olds that just voted in our last election!

They breed and they walk among us......

Friday, June 25, 2010

Extreme Redneck

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Raplh and Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom
and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

Monday, June 21, 2010

*Sick Leave*

I urgently needed a few days off work,

but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy'
then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,
so, that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
'What in the name of good GOD are you doing? '

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,

'. ..And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna love this....)

She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.'

Thursday, June 10, 2010


Believe it or not ,
These are Memphis , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!

: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
: Excuse me?
Caller :
I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Call er: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is.............

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: !
Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

How Fast Can You Guess the Words

How fast can you guess the words?

1. B o o _ s

2. _ _ n d o m

3. F _ _ k

4. P _ n _ s

5. P u _ s _

Answers Below, Don't cheat


1. Books

2. Random

3. Fork

4. Pants

5. Pulse

You got all 5 wrong DIDN'T YOU?

NO COMMENT!(Pervert!!)

Monday, June 7, 2010

Roses verses Hanging Baskets

A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother Bev went mad,
Telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
'Loosen up Gran.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!'
and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says,
'Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening.
(This is too funny not to share!)

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Bank Robber

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. .. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "I think my wife got a good look at you."

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Don't tell the wife

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel,
and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."
Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home,
drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The talking centipede



A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box,

"Would you like to go to church with me today ? We will have

a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,

"How about going to church with me and receive blessings ?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,

"Hey, in there ! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God ?"
This time, a little voice came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time !
I'm putting on my shoes !"

Tuesday, June 1, 2010




Mommy near the


**She's upstairs in the bedroom
with Uncle

a brief


honey, you haven't got an Uncle

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs

in the room with




okay then, this is what I want you to
the phone down on the table, run
knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Daddy's car just pulled into the


**'Okay, Daddy, Just a


**A few
little girl comes back to the

**'I did it,

**'And what happened, honey?'


'Well, Mommy got all scared,
jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around


**Then she tripped over the rug,
hit her head on the
**And now she isn't moving at

**'Oh my
God!!! What about your Uncle
**'He jumped out of the bed with
no clothes on,


**He was all scared and he jumped
out of the back
**And into the swimming
**But I guess he didn't know that
you took out the
**Last week to clean


**He hit the bottom of the pool
and I think he's





*****Even Longer




**'Swimming pool?




**No, I think you have the wrong