Irish funeral

The Irish Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

The Hunters

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, “I’ve got to take a shit.”

The other said, “Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit.”

The first one said, “But I don’t have any paper to wipe my ass.” The other blonde replied, “You have a dollar, don’t you?”

The first one said, “Yeah, I’ve got a dollar. That’s a great idea– I’ll use that!”

He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, “What in the hell happened to you?”

The first one replied, “Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?”

Why Parents Drink

Why Parents Drink !! The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? ' 'Is your daddy home?' he asked. ' Yes ,' whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?' The child whispered, ' No .' Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes ' 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered,' No ' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' ' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . ' Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' ' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter ' Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... ' Me .. '

haha!

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother; he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

Things We All Would Like To Say Now And Then

Do You Fart In Bed?

IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE.

THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.

HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL.

SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT.

THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES!

AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.

HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD.!!... SOME VASELINE... AND TWO FINGERS.... I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!

Hunters....

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, “I’ve got to take a shit.”

The other said, “Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit.”

The first one said, “But I don’t have any paper to wipe my ass.” The other blonde replied, “You have a dollar, don’t you?”

The first one said, “Yeah, I’ve got a dollar. That’s a great idea– I’ll use that!”

He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, “What in the hell happened to you?”

The first one replied, “Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?”

new Maxines!!

DARN

So I saw this old guy, about 90, sitting on the

roadside crying. I asked him what was wrong. He

said: "Well, I'm filthy rich, have a Rolls Royce and a

mansion with a 24 year old wife that's so beautiful

you can't believe." I said: "Wow that sounds great!

So why are you crying?" He said: "I can't remember

where I live!"

Girls Night Out

Two wives go out for girls night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.
They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.
One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning one husband called the other and said "no more girls night out! My wife came back with no panties."
The other husband said "you think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read 'from all of us at the fire station- we'll never forget you

Little Johnny

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried,said,"Dad,I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Newfie Drunk

How many of our Officers would find the humour in this e-mail! After all, I am sure he was sitting there laughing at this guy the entire time. Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall just off the main in Gander NF, CANADA After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off. Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights. He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Newfie, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Saga of Margaret and Bert

THE NEVER ENDING SAGA OF MARGARET & BERT Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looked him over. "Nope." Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

.

Middle Age Texting Codes

MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:
ATD -at the doctor.

BFF -best friend fell.

BTW -bring the wheelchair.

BYOT -bring your own teeth.

FWIW -forgot where I was.

GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.

GHA -got heartburn again.

IMHO -is my hearing aid on?

LMDO -laughing my dentures out.

OMMR -on my massage recliner.

ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.

TTYL -talk to you louder

Funny

A wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K". She asks, "What does that mean"? He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot". She smiled and said, "Oh, that's sweet, but what about 'I, J, K' "? He said, "I'm Just Kidding' ". His eye is still swollen, but it will get better ..

Now I know what is wrong with all the diets I've been on

It pays to read labels.


SHAMPOO ALERT!! As I was shampooing my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read the bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! Seriously, Now I understand why I am so "full-figured"! I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says right on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove." It pays to read the warning labels!
Thank You,

The Joys of Aging

Roger , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?' The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

Stanley

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, ' Stanley, what's your problem?'

Stanley answered,'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough.

She took Stanley to the principal's office.

While Stanley waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Stanley was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Stanley : '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Stanley: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Stanley can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Stanley both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Stanley, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Stanley replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms.Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Stanley : 'Pants.'

Ms.Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Stanley : 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Stanley replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Stanley : 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms.Brooks:'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Stanley: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Stanley in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

Wife from HELL !!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.' The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ' Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?' The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.' As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?' The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.' The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.' The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.' And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??' The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?' (I love this part) Only when he's been drinking'

GOOD ADVICE

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level and beat you
with experience.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you.. But it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish to them.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You don't need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.

The voices in my head may be fake... but they have good ideas!

Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you
wish they were.

I scream the same way whether I'm about to be eaten by a shark or seaweed
touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
can't get away.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
20. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
21. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
22. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
23. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
24. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
25. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)
26. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
27. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
28. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on!

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!