new Maxines!!

DARN

So I saw this old guy, about 90, sitting on the

roadside crying. I asked him what was wrong. He

said: "Well, I'm filthy rich, have a Rolls Royce and a

mansion with a 24 year old wife that's so beautiful

you can't believe." I said: "Wow that sounds great!

So why are you crying?" He said: "I can't remember

where I live!"

Girls Night Out

Two wives go out for girls night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.
They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.
One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning one husband called the other and said "no more girls night out! My wife came back with no panties."
The other husband said "you think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read 'from all of us at the fire station- we'll never forget you

Little Johnny

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried,said,"Dad,I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Newfie Drunk

How many of our Officers would find the humour in this e-mail! After all, I am sure he was sitting there laughing at this guy the entire time. Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall just off the main in Gander NF, CANADA After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off. Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights. He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Newfie, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Saga of Margaret and Bert

THE NEVER ENDING SAGA OF MARGARET & BERT Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looked him over. "Nope." Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

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