Wednesday, January 19, 2011

They Walk Among Us

airport ticket agent offers some examples of WHY our country is in

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol
Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up
by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a
Kansas Congressman' s (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to
Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you
look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts. ''

Without trying to
make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts,
Cape Town is in South Africa.''

His response ? click!

3. A
senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a
Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in
Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain
that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me! I looked on the map and Florida is a
very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife
(Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada

I said, "No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the
map'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet
Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I
pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in
Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard
Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to
save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan
Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that
her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but
she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the
plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker,
(Jerrold Nadler), called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to

I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well,
when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said
(FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying
laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT
- Fresno Air Terminal) and the airline was just putting a destination tag
on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross)
called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the
cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then
take the train to Hawaii?''

9. I just got off the phone with a
freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Alabama who asked, ''How do I know
which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to
which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these
planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called
and said, ''I need to fly to PepsiCola, Florida. Do I have to get on one
of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to
Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever,

11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a
question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a
lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.
"Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one
of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a
visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times
and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New
Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to
go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''

I was at a loss for words.
Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the

"Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've
looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino

The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows
where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of
New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **

you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

be this DUMB?


I don't write it, I just offer it for your
consideration. Like manure, you just got to spread it

Friday, January 14, 2011

Gotta Love Larry!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "


Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'


Wednesday, January 12, 2011


Here's a simple solution to the controversy over full body scanners:

Develop an enclosed booth that passengers step into,, but instead of
X-raying them, when the door closes, it will detonate any explosive device
they have hidden on or in their body. The explosion will be contained
within the sealed booth. This would be a win-win for everyone!

There would be no concern about racial profiling. The booth would
eliminate long, expensive trials.

You're in the airport and you hear a muffled explosion, followed by an
announcement over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers,
we now have a seat available on flight number..."

What's not to like?

Monday, January 10, 2011

Irish Confessional

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church..

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.

The priest replies: “Get out. You're on my side.”

Friday, January 7, 2011

The First Time


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..'

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

12 days of Christams

December 16, 2010

On the twelve days of Christmas, My true Love gave to me.....

December 14, 2009

Dearest Dave,

I went to the door today, and the post man delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!

With truly the deepest love,


December 15, 2009

Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtle doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love,

Yours, Agnes

December 16, 2009

Dearest Dave,

You've truly been to kind! I must protest: I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised...what more should I expect from such a nice person.


December 17, 2009

Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.


December 18, 2009

Dearest darling Dave,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. Your truly are impossible Darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all these birds squawking from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!

All my love,

December 19, 2009

Dear Dave,

Well I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them?

The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all this racket. Please stop dear.


December 20, 2009


What is with you and those stupid birds? Seven swans a-swimming !!! What kind of sick joke is this !!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.


December 21, 2009

O.K. wise guy,

The birds were bad enough, Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!

December 22, 2009

Hey loser,

What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!

You'll get yours!

December 23, 2009

You rotten scum!!

There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids, The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!

One who means it!

December 24, 2009

Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quite: they were trampled to death by the cows, I hope you are rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy,

December 25, 2009

The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear Sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mc Holstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mc Holstein at Happy Daze sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Badger, Rees, and Yorker