scheduling

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

Joey says, "To your house!"

Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store. Little Johnny wanted to go to the toy department, but grandmother said that they had to stop in the ladies clothing department first.
He obviously couldn’t wait that long, and the next time his grandmother turned around he was gone. She panicked and looked everywhere for him, but he had disappeared.

Finally she went to the customer service desk, intending to have them announce his name over the PA system. To her relief he was already there waiting for her. The woman at the desk said, “He wanted us to announce your name over the PA system, but he didn’t’ know what your name was. We asked him what his daddy called you, and he replied ‘mom’, next we asked him what Grandpa called you and he replied ‘sugar’. We were almost out of questions for him when another lady suggested that your daughter-in-law might call you by your first name.”

“We were so happy to see you show up at the desk,” she continued, “because when we asked him what his mommy called you, we were out of ideas!”

“Well,” asked Little Johnny’s grandmother curiously, “What did he say?”

“He said,” she replied, “that his mother called you ‘THE BITCH’!”

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now.

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire.
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him “Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight and remember that this happens only once. Ok? Don’t think about it again.”
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment: “She said this is not enough, she wants ninety.”
The wife’s face slowly turns red with anger: “Damn that b!tch…when she was pregnant and her husband came over here…I only charged him fifty…”

tell tale signs

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they’re both doctors.

After a few hours, the man says to the woman, “Hey…how about if we sleep together tonight. No strings
attached. It’ll just be one night of fun.” The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place, and he goes in the bedroom. She heads off into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom, and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, how did you know?” says the woman.

The man says, “I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.”

“Oh, that makes sense”, says the woman. ” You’re an anesthesiologist aren’t you?”

“Yeah”, says the man , a bit surprised. “But how did you know that?”

The woman answers, “Because I didn’t feel a thing!”

payback

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $300?"

oops!

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."