The Poem

A WOMAN'S POEM: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's rich and self-employed, And when I spend, won't be annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other. And relish visits with my mother. A MAN'S POEM: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

A DOG ON A LEASH ...

A Dog on A Leash … A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. A short distance behind the man with the dog were about 200 men walking in single file. A bystander, viewing this curious procession, respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this must be a very bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral quite like this before. Whose funeral is it?" The man walking the dog replied, "My wife's." "'What happened to her?" the bystander asked. The man replied, "My dog here attacked and killed her." The bystander inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife, and the dog killed her too." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow your dog?" the bystander asked. "Get in line." the man replied.

---

Absence excuse notes..

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in the Laredo & United I.S.D. Spellings have been left intact. 1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him. 2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot. 3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33. 4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating. 5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. 6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. 7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. 8.. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. 9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. 10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathethe (shits). 12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak. 13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. 14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. 15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear. 16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday. 17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral. 18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines. 19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. 20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. 22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor. 23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

More Idiot Sightings!

These are something else....hope you enjoy them.

Priceless ...

IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said, 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's in Cornwall . IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since. Happened in Ottawa , ON IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' Story from Collingwood , ON IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Winnipeg , Manitoba IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Toronto , Ontario IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She is a government employee in Montreal, P.Q. IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it’s open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.' This was at the GM dealership in Guelph, Ontario IDIOT SIGHTING: I went to Bob's Golf Pro Shop; where a young lady approached and asked if she could help me. I told her I wanted a sand wedge, for my son for Christmas - she looked at me & told me they didn't sell food there. I said "no - a saanndd wedge"; and she once again told me they didn't sell food there. Oh Yes FYI - she was blonde.. They are alive and well in London Ontario STAY ALERT! LOTS MORE IDIOTS TO BE FOUND

Newfoundland Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Newfoundland couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Newfie said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a

firecracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Quebec and some parts of Saskatchewan ..

The Potty

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE. BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

How to Be Cruel to an Old Guy

eye chart! lol

whew!

Skinny little white Newfie goes into an elevator, looks up and
sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the
little Newfie staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Newfie faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big
guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say
to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Newfie says:

'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jazus, I tought you said, 'Turn around!





I'd faint too

True Talent

Every once in a while, in life, you see a genius with true talent!

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

See How Smart You Are!

RIDDLE:
Why is honey golden in colour?


A) Because of the sun the flowers receive?
B) Because flower pollen is naturally golden?
C) Because it's manufactured that way?
D) I don't know.

The answer can be found below.









A little lower ...















there goes eating honey!

HEE HEE!

For those with kids and those without!!

FOR ALL OF YOU WITH LITTLE KIDS...READ CAREFULLY...FOR ALL OF US THAT ARE DONE WITH THAT...KEEP ON LAUGHING!!!
A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block..'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

If you ain't laffin'...
You ain't livin'

NO SPEAK ENGLISH

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

I don't know about you sometimes..

Granny has it!

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, "this driver
is just as dangerous as a speedster!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the
Car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and
three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't
Understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that
driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
Exactly.. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22
Was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the
Woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.. Is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time,"
the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."

Blonde City Gal

One for the blondes!!!!!!

A blonde city girl marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the rancher says to her, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. The wife takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one, right here.' The man, assuming he is dealing with an 'air head blonde', asks, 'Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?' 'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?' She turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder. 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.' (It's nice to see a blonde win once in awhile)

Santa.....

---

Santa.... A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her shiny new bike stopped beside him. Nice bike, the cop said. Did Santa bring it to you? Yep, the little girl said, he sure did! The cop looked the bike over, then wrote the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation, handing it to her he said: Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it. The young girl looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you? Yes, he sure did, chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said: Next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.'

The Frog And Golf

THIS IS HILARIOUS! A man takes the day off work and Decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he Notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is About to shoot when he Hears, Ribbit 9 Iron.' The man looks around and doesn't See anyone. Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.' He looks at the frog and decides to Prove the frog wrong, puts the Club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, hey? The frog replies, 'Ribbit Lucky frog.' The man decides to take the frog With him to the next hole. 'What do you think frog?' The man asks. 'Ribbit 3 wood.' The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know What to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the Best game of golf in his life and Asks the frog, 'OK where to next?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit Las Vegas .. ' They go to Las Vegas And the guy says, 'OK frog, now What?' The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.' Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, 'What do you think I should Bet?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.' Now, this is a Million-to-one shot to win, but After the golf game the man Figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and Buys the best room in the Hotel. He sits the frog down and Says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.' The frog replies, 'Ribbit KissMe.' He figures why not, Since after all the frog did for Him, He deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous 15-year-old girl. 'And that, Your honor, is how the girl Ended up in my room. So help me God Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'

Womwn Divers

I know everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which sex you are.
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a

Woman

In a brand new
Cadillac

Doing 65 mph

With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds !


And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,


Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;
I dropped

My electric shaver ,


Which knocked

The donut

Out of my other hand. !

In all The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car


Using my knees against
The steering wheel,


It knocked

My Cell Phone


Away from my ear


Which fell


Into the coffee

Between my legs!


Splashed,


And burned


Big Jim and the Twins,


Ruined the damn phone,

Soaked my trousers,


And disconnected an
Important call.

Damn women drivers

New Swimsuit

Living Will

I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of wine
Chocolate
Margarita
Sex
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Sex
Mexican food
Chocolate
French fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Sex
Ice cream
Cup of tea
Chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!

Seuss books for older kids

Question of the Day

Question:
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?



Answer:
A crazy bitch who WILL find you!

Angel in a Box

Angel in a Box Heaven has sent you an Angel in a box...... Heaven didn't want him, so they sent him to me. I sure as hell don't want him, so, I'm sending him to you ! The rules are simple: You can send him away, but you can't send him BACK!!!

WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH..............

1.. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS. 2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING 'WOO -HOO!' IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND. 3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S BUTT AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO. 4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO. 5.. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.. 6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE 'OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!' 7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US. 8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT. 9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE CHARDONNAY. 10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop ... OR THE BATHMAT ?) 11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT. 12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT. SEND THIS ALONG TO ALL THE GIRLS YOU KNOW WHO LIKE TO HAVE FUN. AND THE MEN WHO WILL GET A GOOD LAUGH . MAKE THEM LAUGH AT THEMSELVES LIKE YOU PROBABLY DID....SADLY, MANY ARE TRUE!

---

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.


The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small..

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.






A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'




A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'




One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'






The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'








A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'




I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'