Ha-Ha

This is funny
A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica.
Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"
"I can't tell you," the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"
"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the blackman.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies.
And the lady bursts into laughter, and the blackman gets mad and says," I knew you would make fun of it".
The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica!"

Great Motto!

Live your life in such a way that

when your feet hit the floor in the morning,
Satan shudders & says...

"Oh shit....she's awake!!''

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign shows :

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor, and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

A Blonde's Year In Review

January
- Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March
- Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'
April
- Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!
May
- Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
- Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
- Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
- Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
- The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???
October
- Hate M & M's....they are so hard to peel.
November
- Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
- Couldn't call 911 .. 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button onthe stupid phone!!!

KEEP READING ..... THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing the grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!' My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL..'

Spread The Stupidity

*Only in America ......*

*do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.*

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Only in America*

*.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.*

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Only in America*

*.....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.*

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Only in America*

*.....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage*.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Only in America*

......*do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.*

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Only in America*

*.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.*

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*EVER WONDER ...*

*Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens*

*our skin?*

------------------------------------------------------------------------*

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?*

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?*

------------------------------------------------------------------------*

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?*

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?*

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?*

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?*

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?*

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?*

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?*

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Why do they sterilize the needle for *

*lethal injections?*

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!*

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?*

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?*

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?*

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*If flying is so safe,**

**why do they call the airport the terminal?*

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Have a Super Day!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why Spelling is So Important

Can you Guess it?

THE
RANGE
OF
8
INCHES
LONG.
THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS
ENJOYED
BY
MEMBERS
OF
BOTH
SEXES.
IS
!
USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING READY
LOOSLEY
FOR
INSTANT
ACTION.
IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF
LITTLE
HAIRY
THINGS
AT
ONE
END
AND
SMALL
HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT
IS
INSERTED,
ALMOST
ALWAYS
WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY,
SOMETIMES
QUICKLY,
INTO
A
WARM,
FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE
IT
IS
THRUST
IN
AND
DRAWN
OUT
AGAIN
AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN
SUCCESSION,
OFTEN
QUICKLY
AND
ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.
ANYONE
FOUND
LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY
RECOGNIZE
THE
RHYTHMIC,
PULSING
SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE
WELL
LUBRICATED
MOVEMENTS. !
WHEN
FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES
BEHIND
A
JUICY,
FROTHY,
WHITE
STICKY
SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL
NEED
CLEANING FROM
THE
OUTER
SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND
SOME
OF
FROM
ITS
LONG
GLISTENING
SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS
DONE
AND
THE
FLOWING
AND
CLEANSING
LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED
EMANATING,
IT
IS
RETURNED
TO
ITS
FREELY
HANGING STATE OF REST, READY
YET !
FOR
ANOTHER
BIT
OF
ACTION,
HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS
BRISTLING
CLIMAX
TWICE
OR
THREE
TIMES A
DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.
WHAT AM I???????
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY
GUESSED,
THE
ANSWER !
TO
THE
RIDDLE
IS
NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
TOOTHBRUSH.........
what were you
thinking?
You PERVERT!

The Moral of the Story!

Daddy's car in the woods?
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

Mummy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

Post Office

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was
To process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God
With no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what
It was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was
All the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday
Is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family
To turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put
Into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the
Workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would
Be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
The same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the
Letter was opened.

It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful Gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those
Bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna

Woodpeckers

Two Woodpeckers..........
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ).
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.
How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home

Irish College Entrance Exam

Irish College Entrance Exam

Now, scroll down for the answers
That's all right...I didn't pass either...

Top Ten Ways To Terrorize a Telemarketer!

Number 10:
When they ask, "How are you today?" -- tell them!Say something like... "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...."You get the idea.
Number 9:
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
Number 8:
Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh, my goodness, Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the heck she could possibly know you from.
Number 7:
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply in as sinister a voice as you can,"I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
Number 6:
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
Number 5:
Tell the telemarketer you are on "home arrest"and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
Number 4:
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
Number 3:
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their home phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their home number, you say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
Number 2:
Insist that the caller is really your buddy, Leon, playing a joke."Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" And last but not least...
Number 1:
Tell them to talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y, because you want to write every word of your conversation down.

They Walk Among Us...

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back. Same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one- get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free". She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us,
and they Reproduce,
and Worst of all
.....they Vote!

Sex In The Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in The middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down. And saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids."

Marital Affairs

The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM ..The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded."I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.""You lying bastard!You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase."My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue.""What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room."Oh it's a statue." she replied. " The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer." Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer." Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied."A nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife. "The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Best Smart Ass Answers!!!!

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2008 !!
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the Flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John Asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his Trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need To see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but She couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do These turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're Dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for Speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the Officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a Ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that Read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of Him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the Truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The Truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR !!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might Consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death In your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A Smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What Would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter Sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, Shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam With your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy With what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, Fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband Replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

changes

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes." ~~~~~

makes ya think...

HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT THESE ARE ALL TRUE STORIES FROM EMERGENCY ROOMS AROUND THE COUNTRY:
FEMALE SOFA----- A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. eeewwwww.....

PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan , a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had '...a rat in her privates...'which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

PING PONG ANYONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel (you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The concrete then hardened, (no sh*t Sherlock!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Boy - we live sheltered lives!)

BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses.He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success.Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (Oh my gosh!!!)

OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??).While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head

9 Words Women Use

*(1) **Fine:**

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.*

*(2) **Five Minutes:**

If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.*

*(3) **Nothing:**

This is the calm before the storm.** **This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usual ly end in fine. ** *

*(4) **Go Ahead:**

This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! ** *

*(5) **Loud Sigh:**

This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) * *(6) **That's Okay:**

This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. *(7) **Thanks:**

A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. ** ** DO NOT say "you're welcome" ... that will bring on a "whatever"). *

*(8) **Whatever:**

Is a women's way of saying **____** YOU! * *

(9) **Don't worry about it, I got it:**

Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Nite Clubbing

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I ever had a 'Sportsman's Double?'.

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
'Oh,' I said as my mind began to embrace the idea, No I haven't.'
And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom, You still awake?'