Women Who Know Their Place

A point of view.

Barbara Walters, of Television's 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.
From Ms Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime,
the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands, and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms . Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, '
Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak and where you go):
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN

The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
'What's for dinner, Batman?'

God Sent Them!

A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question, 'How did I get here?'
Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'
'Did God send you, too?' asked the child.
'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied. 'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted'He sent them also,' the mother said. 'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.
'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.
'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?
No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here!'

Language Barrier

Why It's Important To Understand English
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line.
Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunatdolla fo yen.
Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations' .
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'

UCLA Study

No surprises here.

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealedthat the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be moreattracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged inhis chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.

Children Are Quick

Children Are Quick

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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE: I is . . .

TEACHER: No, Millie . . .. Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right . . . 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' _________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. ______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

Headlines!

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store.
There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...

(You're going to hate me for this ... )

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'

Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.

Cool Grandpa

A very calm grandafther
A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson. At every turn, it's obvious gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.
Meanwhile, gramps is working his way around saying in a controlled voice, "Easy Albert, we won't be long. Easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, "It's OK Albert, just a
couple more minutes and we'll be outta here. Hang in there".

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and gramps,
again in a controlled voice, is saying,

"Albert, Albert, relax buddy. Don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes.
Stay cool, Albert."

Very impressed the woman goes up to gramps as he's loading the kid and
the groceries into the car and says,
"You know sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time, you kept your composure and
no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying
things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa".
"Thanks, lady", said gramps, "but I'm Albert. The little shit's name is Bex".

How Many Dwarfs Are There?

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope,
'What can I do for you?'Grumpy asks,
'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a ; ; ; moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?
'The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'

The Pregnant Woman

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!

Massage Therapy

Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapistand I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside .
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!

Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do you
determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"


DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE? lol

The Mind of a Six Year Old

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read .
... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said:

'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class:
'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...

'I think the man would have said - 'Well, fuck me!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room

Gynecologist Visit

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you
can't tell me.
''This one's kind of strange...''Let me be the judge of that' the doctor replied.'
Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'
'I see.'
'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.' 'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me
what's wrong with me!,' she implored, 'I'm scared out of my wits!
'The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. 'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'
(Ready for this?)

'You're simply going through the change!'

Vet School

The Dead Cow and Vet School .
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.

Irish Woman

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 'completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop,she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'



MORAL OF THE STORY ~ Not all Irish are stupid..Not all blondes are dumb, But all men are men.

Ha-Ha

This is funny
A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica.
Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"
"I can't tell you," the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"
"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the blackman.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies.
And the lady bursts into laughter, and the blackman gets mad and says," I knew you would make fun of it".
The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica!"

Oil Change

Oil Change instructions for Women :

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change: $20.00

Coffee: $1.00

Total: $21.00==========

Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.

Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.

Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.

Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer..

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2500.00

Impound fee: $75.00

Bail: $1500.00

Beer: $20.00

Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!