A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time,
I will grant you each a wish.The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.The husband thought for a moment: 'Well , this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me..'The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.The moral of this story:
Ungrateful men should always remember fairies are female..... J
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Easter Bunny Accident
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver,a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to seewhat has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highwaysees a man crying on the side of the roadand pulls over.She steps out of the car and asks the manwhat's wrong. "I feel terrible," ! he explains,"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM." The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her carand pulls out a spray can.She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny ,bends down,and sprays the contents onto him. The Easter Bunny jumps up,waves its paw at the two of themand hops off down the road.Ten feet away he stops,turns around and waves again,he hops down the road another 10 feet,turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,and repeats this again and again and again and again,until he hops out of sight.The man is astonished.He runs over to the woman and demands,"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?" The woman turns the can aroundso that the man can read the label. It says..(Are you ready for this?)(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry) (Last chance)(OK, here it is)It says,"Hair Spray:
Restores life to dead hair,and adds permanent wave."
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver,a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to seewhat has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highwaysees a man crying on the side of the roadand pulls over.She steps out of the car and asks the manwhat's wrong. "I feel terrible," ! he explains,"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM." The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her carand pulls out a spray can.She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny ,bends down,and sprays the contents onto him. The Easter Bunny jumps up,waves its paw at the two of themand hops off down the road.Ten feet away he stops,turns around and waves again,he hops down the road another 10 feet,turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,and repeats this again and again and again and again,until he hops out of sight.The man is astonished.He runs over to the woman and demands,"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?" The woman turns the can aroundso that the man can read the label. It says..(Are you ready for this?)(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry) (Last chance)(OK, here it is)It says,"Hair Spray:
Restores life to dead hair,and adds permanent wave."
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Real Estate Full Disclosure
The law says you must give full disclosure of any problems with a house when you sell it.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Men
Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX
(because they are plugged into a genius)
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2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
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3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
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4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
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(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
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5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
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6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
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7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
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( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
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And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
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Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!
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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirtseconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,'What setting do I use on the washing machine?''It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb..
.---------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you..'
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out ofthe shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?''Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
------- ---------------------------------------
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat himto death. AMEN
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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath andcalling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
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Friday, April 24, 2009
Tell me this won't happen to Us!!!!
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see..' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help Both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
__________________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!
'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the Other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I, Let's have a beer.'
___________________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
____________________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
_____________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
______________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went Through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!' Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see..' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help Both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
__________________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!
'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the Other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I, Let's have a beer.'
___________________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
____________________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
_____________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
______________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went Through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!' Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Pasteurized?
JUST WHEN I THINK I'VE HEARD THE 'BEST BLONDE JOKE' EVER, ALONG COMES THIS!
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the order.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, " I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde replied, "Oh no, I do want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and have a milk bath, so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, " Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, " No, just up to my tits and I can splash it on my face."
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the order.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, " I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde replied, "Oh no, I do want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and have a milk bath, so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, " Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, " No, just up to my tits and I can splash it on my face."
Friday, April 3, 2009
Shoe Box
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover..
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angrywith him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?''
Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
My Prayer.......Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death, because I don't know how to crochet.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover..
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angrywith him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?''
Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
My Prayer.......Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death, because I don't know how to crochet.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
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