The Accident

Goldstein wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, finally you're awake. You probably don't remember, but you were in a
pileup on the interstate. You'll be okay, you'll walk again and everything,
but..... there's a complication. Gentle I'll try to be... but the fact is... your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we couldn't find it."
'Oy vey', groans Goldstein, but the doctor goes on,
'From your hospital insurance $9000 to you is coming. Today we have the technology to build you a new penis. It'll work even better than your old one did......maybe! But it isn't cheap.....$1000.00 an inch it'll cost you.'
Goldstein perks up.
'So,' the doctor says, 'It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But with your wife you
should discuss it. Because if before you had five inches and you decide to go for nine, she might be very happy.....but if before you had nine, and you decide only to invest in five, she might be
disappointed.'
Goldstein agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day and says, 'So, you
spoke with your wife?'
'I did,' says Goldstein.
'And she told you how she feels ?'
'Yes, she did' he says.
'So what it's going to be?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting granite countertops.'

Meet Marvin, not that I'd want to

Meet Marvin, Men's answer

to Maxine!!!

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. Ther e is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course.. He'll shut up once you let him in..
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will n ever be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle it!

AND MAXINE SAYS.............'MARVIN'....

Maxine just had to have the last word.

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A Walk with Grandpa

Grandpa Story A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a specialeffort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would takehis 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bondingtime. Just he and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn'tfeel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and saidthat she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, thelittle girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, PaPa' thegirl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!' Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it!

An Oh Shit Moment

This is a real OH Shit moment!!!!!

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used
A cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at
The airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming
Up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the
Door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took
off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,
'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take
Pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he
Responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he
Stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is .... you're NOT my
Flight instructor

Another Good one]

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Charles had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Charles even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that.......... Charles was too tired.'

God is good

hockey cup

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and
the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

Very Touching...

Dear God,

Please, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Dads computer.

Amen

Good Housekeeping Tip

THIS SURE SOLD ME! I AM GOING TO THE DOLLAR STORE TODAY & GET A DOZEN! Good Housekeeping Tip Another Maxine Tip... Always keep several get well cards on the mantle... So if unexpected guests arrive, They will think you've been sick and unable to clean

The wedding ring

	A man went to the hospital in Cooktown, Queensland to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis. According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep. I don't know what's worse: 1) Having your girl friend find out you're married. 2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis. OR... 3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring. Tough call. You decide.

REDNECK FIRE ALARM

The REDNECK FIRE ALARM Available at most local grocery stores and Wal-Mart. Now that's funny....I don't care who you are.

Witness

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!' Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?' The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

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COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THEPREGNANT LADY]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another
seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got
on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick
Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

I'm Broke

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE. I'M BROKE!! Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a standard size bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. I was furious and astounded, and as I was fuming and about to blow up when he said, 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.' I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a frickin good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

Husband wanted

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell.

Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?' the widow said. 'Just look at you ... You have no legs!'

The old gentleman smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

'You don't have any arms either!' she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ' Are you still good in bed?'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'

-------------(The wedding is scheduled for Saturday. )

Where would you be?

When men were men

The Koala and the Lizard

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint ?
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink!?'

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s Live helps you keep up with all your friends, in one place.

Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in

his son's medicine cabinet, he asked
about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad;

they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one ,

and before we leave in the morning,

I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning,

the son found $110 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said,

"I told you each pill was $10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa,

"The hundred is from Grandma!"