Notice

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. However, dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they

(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ....

When you walk out the door

When you walk out the door in the morning and see this in the sky...

Go back inside and have another cup of coffee.....it's not going to be a good day!

Bitches 'til the End

Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end! The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??' 'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.' And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.' THOUGHT FOR THE DAY.... Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.

Aunt Janet

A fifth grade teacher gave her class an assignment: Get their parents to
tell them a story, with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their
stories. There were all the regular types of stuff:spilled milk and
pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that
only Johnie was left.

"Johnie, do you have a story to share?"=

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Janet.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm. One day, while Flying a mission her
She had to bail out over enemy territory. =20
All she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife..

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break.
Then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,killed
four more with the knife, till the blade broke..
And then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Janet when she's been drinking!"

Why I fired my secretary today

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy birthday!', and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy birthday'.

I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, 'Good morning boss,

happy birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me'.

I said, 'Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

She said, 'Let's go to my apartment'.

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back'.

'OK', I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked...

---

Leaving Work Early

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early...she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way!" the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Sometimes

Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.


Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt..

Sometimes.
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress

Sometimes ..
when you are happy...
no one sees your smile ...

But FART !! just ONE time....
And everybody knows!!

Bet you thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories...

Gotcha!!

The Itch

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try... One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick. The moral of the story............ Pay your bills.

Little known facts about Penguins...

Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Ever wonder where they go? Wonder no more. It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguins have a very strong community bond. They are very committed to their family and will mate for life. They also maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the freshly dug grave and sing.... "freeze a jolly good fellow." You shouldn't believe everything you read on the internet! :)

grandma still driving!!

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ...

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Bad day at Hallmark

Bad day at Hallmark Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........ //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... 'What the hell was I thinking?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you .. I've changed my mind. -------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------- I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me. #################################################### Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again. ******************************************************************************** Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia ) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// We have been friends for a very long time . let's say we stop? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here. ===================================================== Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep. )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay

Pants and Panties

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on..'' She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will..' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems. 'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..' She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.' Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.' Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.' Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.' Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

The Obedient Wife

'The Obedient Wife' There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.' And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in t he casket, his wife was sitting there dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!' She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.. So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.' The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him. You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?' 'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

Ladies Story

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women

Older Women are So Reasonable

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one
day and said, "44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept
on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But I got to
sleep every night with a hot 25 year old girl."

Now I have a $1,500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a
plasma screen TV. But I'm sleeping with a 65 year old woman. It seems to
me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.. She told me to go out and find a hot
25 year old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed
and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life
crises.

CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading
it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my
finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the
worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to
see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid
and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach
my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my
exhaust backfires.

CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY - How about You?

But will they bloom???

I wonder whether they would look better on the
kitchen table or in the entry?

I wonder if they come in different colors?
I wonder about the fragrance?

I wonder if they're cheaper by the
dozen?

I wonder if it would help to put those
preservative packets in the
water?

I wonder if they come in
long-stemmed?

I wonder if they will bloom
soon?

Magic Sandals

Magic Sandals




A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would beinterested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

circumcised

Circumcised........... A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your Mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.' KIDS - DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM??

Senior Moment

click to enlarge