Blonde Joke

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked,
'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'

'Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.
I have a 28 inch waist.
Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ....

'Outside,.... when you said you.......heard someone coming.......

that was me......'

10 ways to tell if a Redneck has been on your computer

10 Ways to tell if a Redneck has been working on a Computer


* 10. The monitor is up on blocks.
* 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
* 8. The six front keys have rotted out.
* 7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
* 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
* 5. The password is "Bubba".
* 4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
* 3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
* 2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...

* 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

True Story

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said: "Call for backup."

An Affair With An Older Woman

click to enlarge if it is too small to read

For Friends

You WON'T see cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our friendship. 1. When you are sad, I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!! 2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in. 4. When you're scared, we will high tail it out of here. 5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!! 6.. When you are confused, I will use little words. 7. When you are sick, Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.... 8. When you fall, I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh my azz off!! 9. This is my oath... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; -- because you are MY FRIEND! *********************** Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only YOU can feel the true warmth. **********************

Sunday Clothes

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction. 'Hello,' said the little boy 'Hi,' replied the little girl. 'Where are you going?' asked the little boy. 'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,' Answered the little girl. 'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy. 'I go to the Catholic church back down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? ' 'I go to the Lutheran church back at the top of the hill,' Replied the little boy. They discover that they are both going the same way So they decided that they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.. 'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl. 'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' Replied the little boy. 'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull Off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.' 'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.' So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked: 'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a CATHOLIC and a LUTHERAN!!!

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POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
" Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered ..

"Well ... Go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... .tentatively said ....

"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

New Sunburn Treatment

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

Best Blonde Joke

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh. .. . ... .. ..




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"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."?

love dress

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed..

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South! funny

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South! Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,  begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'       The woman shakes her head no.       Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.     The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.     His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!' If you don't send this to five friends, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world!

A True Story!!??

For all animal owners/lovers.... *FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY. FOR THOSE THAT DON'T, IT IS A TRUE STORY.* The following was found posted_ very low_ on a refrigerator door. Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time,* there is no secret exit from the bathroom!* If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required. The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:* TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:* (1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.* Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:* (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't smoke or drink, (7) don't want to wear your clothes, (8) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ------------------------------------------------------------ I thought I'd share a 'dog story' too.... When we lived in Pa., we had a neighbor who would constantly make snide remarks about my dogs whenever he would come to our house for swimming, picnics etc..  I love my pets and have always treated them as one of the family. If I could have, I would NOT have included him in future gatherings, but he had a very nice wife, who was well liked by all of us.  Plus they only lived two doors down from us and it was difficult not to include him with the rest of the neighbors. So when he was coming to another one of our gatherings, I posted a sign on the gate to our back yard, that I had purchased at a Dog Show a few years before.  I knew he couldn't miss it, he always came thru that gate when entering our yard.  It read....... THIS HOUSE IS MAINTAINED FOR THE COMFORT AND SECURITY OF MY DOGS, IF YOU CAN'T ACCEPT THAT THEN YOU CAN'T ACCEPT ME, SO GO AWAY!!!

Never, Never, Ever

Never, Never, Ever... As a parent, I often wonder if I taught my children everything they needed to know to lead a safe and sane life. You know what I mean . . . Don't run with a knife, don't stick beans in your nose, don't lick a frosted piece of metal, etc. But, you know, I think I might have missed this particular piece of advice. However, let's face it, if any of my sons or daughters ever tried this totally idiotic stunt, I figure they are way too stupid to survive in this world anyway!   Never . . ..   Ever . . ..   Ever . . ..   Put a FIRECRACKER   In your ass and light it!  I REPEAT. . .   Never... Ever... Ever,   Put a FIRECRACKER   In your ass & light it ! ! !   .   ..   ..   ..   ..   ..   ..   Now, that's . . . ONE DUMB ASS !

Smile for the Day

Two Catholic parrots... A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing.' 'What do they say?' the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . That phrase . . In no time.' Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'

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Garden Snakes Can Be Dangerous

A cautionary tale...

Garden snakes can be dangerous I didn't think twice about this tiny fellow on my baby boxwood until I got this letter: GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS... Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why. A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now, the police had arrived. Breathe here... They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake! The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out). Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night. And that's when he shot her. P.S. Its been a long time since I laughed that hard at an email...................