3 nuns

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A YANKEE BASEBALL GAME: THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND THEM. BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS, HOPING THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA. IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH ... THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE." THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID LOUDLY, "I WANT TO MOVE TO MONTANA . THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE." THE THIRD GUY YELLED, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO . THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE." THE MOTHER SUPERIOR TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL...THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."

The Blonde Rancher's Wife

A blonde city girl named Jennifer marries an Idaho rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Jennifer, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Jennifer takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Jennifer sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.' The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?' The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

Be careful what you wish for...............

---

A Harley Rider walked into a drug store in Waco , Texas and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him. The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The biker then agreed and began by saying ....... 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a .... Permanent Erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.' The pharmacist said ...... 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.' When she returned, she said ...... We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is as follows: 1/3 ownership in the store ....... A company pickup truck ........ Five home cooked dinners a week ....... And $3,000 a month in living expenses.

mammogram gone wrong

While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but ... There were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances."

I did too so I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met
By this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science. Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

"Fine," I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so
You'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been
Standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed!

Chap Stick

This story is priceless- enjoy a good laugh! Chap Stick We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on the mat in our bathroom. We have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loved chap stick. LOVED it. He kept asking to use my chap stick and then losing it. Finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom that I kept my chapstick and explained he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer after he finished because I used it sometimes several times a day. That year, on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around to try to get ready for church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood. We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car, and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally go into the bathroom. There was Eli. He was applying my chap stick very carefully to Jack's rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped..." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right - their little bottoms do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. And the only question to ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth!?! And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever, because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize... they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

An Old One But Still Good

Newfie Medical Dictionary Artery.........................The study of paintings Bacteria......................Back door to cafeteria Barium........................What doctors do when patients die Benign........................ What you be, after you be eight Caesarean Section........ A neighbourhood in Rome Cat scan.......................Searching for Kitty Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her Colic........................... A sheep dog Coma...........................A punctuation mark Dilate......................... To live long Enema...........................Not a friend Fester.......................... Quicker than someone else Fibula.......................... A small lie Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known Labour Pain................... Getting hurt at work Medical Staff................. A Doctor's cane Morbid......................... A higher offer Node............................ I knew it Outpatient...................... A person who has fainted Pelvis................. ......... Second cousin to Elvis Post Operative............ A letter carrier Recovery Room.......... Place to do upholstery Rectum......................... Nearly killed him Secretion...................... Hiding something Seizure........................ Roman emperor Tablet.......................... A small table Terminal Illness............ Getting sick at the airport Tumour........................ One, plus one more Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out

The Lonely Brain Cell

The Lonely Brain Cell

Once upon a time there was
a female brain cell which,
by mistake, happened
to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously
because it was all empty
and quiet.

'Hello?'
she cried, but no answer.

'Is there anyone here?'
she cried a little louder,
but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell
started to feel alone and scared.
So she yelled at the top
of her voice,

'HELLO,
IS THERE ANYONE HERE?'

Then she heard a faint voice
from far, far away....



'We're down here .'

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS

Men's Ages as Determined by Trips to Home Depot

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house -- mowing the lawn, putting up a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot, sweaty, and covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on: Shorts with a hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home-improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.


In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing.. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird even thinking she's pretty.

In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it; but then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, "I Got Worms."

In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for even a quick check in the mirror anymore. Or the cologne. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out of your shorts. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you aren't sure.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her aging grandfather.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. You fart out loud and think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot.

In your 90s & beyond:
What's is a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

Thirsty Taliban

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted,
"Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.
Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said

"Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Longest Nerve

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

FUNNY

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.... Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.' 'Okay then, said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. > 'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?' ...'It's swollen,' Fred replied. She ran out of the room.

This made me laugh out loud!

This made me laugh out loud!

Funny!

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Fluctuations

If nothing else makes you laugh today, this one will!
Today's word is................. Fluctuations


I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Things people actually said in court

---: These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of trying to stay calm while these hilarious exchanges were actually taking place. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? _________________________ ___________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS. OH GOD, PLEASE HELP US ALL!

Why I Am now Divorced

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought..... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..' I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there.... On the couch.... Naked.

CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK

CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?' He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.' The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?' He replied, 'No money in the bank.' The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?' He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.' The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.' The patient replied, 'Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.'

Pole Dancer

First Grade Drawing - PRICELESS! A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment. The teacher graded it and the child brought it home. She returned to school the next day with the following note: Dear Ms. Davis, I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a shovel. Sincerely, Mrs. Harrington

Jumping on the Bed

Jumping On the Bed

Gotta love women~

A sixty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and
squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea
how ridiculous you look?, What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just
came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of
an 18 year-old".

The husband said, "What did he say about your 66 year old ass?"


"Your name never came up," she replied.

(Men . .. . they just never know when to shut up, do they?)

The Ostrich - cute!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."