A Toddler's Tea Party

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother, who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old or 2, and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken, among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'

Adventures in the Institution

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a car with his hands at 10 and 2 o'clock.

The nurse asks him,'Kevin! What are you doing?' Kevin replied, 'Can't talk right now. I'm driving to Newfoundland !' The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Kevin's room just as he stopped driving his imaginary car and she asks, 'Well Kevin, how you doing?' Kevin says 'I'm exhausted. I just got into St. Johns and I need some rest.' 'That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.' The nurse leaves Kevin's room and then goes across the hall into another patient's room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Very surprised she shouts, 'Ed what are you doing ??? 'To which Ed replies, 'Shhh, I'm screwing Kevin's wife while he's in Newfoundland.

American Golfer in Ireland

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his Head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afra id I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And then the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to him self. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want.. a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it' s just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my p ocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also." And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a wee k."

"What!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week!"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic Priest in a small parish."

Ask A Stupid Question...Get a Stupid Answer.

I have 6 large dogs and was buying several large bags of Dog Chow at Costco, standing in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (Duh!) On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although, I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in hospital the last time. But I'd lost 20 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my ass and a car hit me.I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he staggered to the door laughing.

Aunt Mildred

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly

despondent over the recent death of her husband.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night...

Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Bacon and Eggs

A little boy comes down to breakfast.

Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?

Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.

I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you are not getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?'

The Broken Lawnmower

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
and the other is usually the husband.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept
hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always
had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car,
e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I
arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you
might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Getting Old

Getting old is so hard at times Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip. NOW, I talk like an asshole
...but my gums don't itch!

The Coo Coo Clock

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls."

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem p*ssed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh sh!#$." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Cursing In Church

A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to the

secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have

misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in

this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to

inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not

have

to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer,

"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million

bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get

rid of some of this damn money. "

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

DADD'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS!

This one is for everyone who...

a) has kids

b) had kids

c) was a kid

d) knows a kid

e) is going to have kids.

I guess that means all of us!!

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said,"Daddy, look at this" , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Men never listen

A man made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the Buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR .
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.
He pushed WW.
Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nic e feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.
A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure..
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed.
The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow.'
MEN NEVER LISTEN

Do Not Swallow Chewing Gum

GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING!!!!

DO NOT SWALLOW CHEWING-GUM !!

Cowboy

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job.

One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,

'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.'

Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.'

Now take off my boots.`

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.'

Now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light'

Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,



'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'



(Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either.)

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
This is for all the germ-conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean things. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan . After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather about it, asking, 'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old
man shouted: 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

Ducks In Heaven

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same amonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

Bubba's Sure Fire Pick Up Lines

1) Did you fart?cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's on ly a light switch away.

8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'Woman - 'WHAT?'Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?I think he went inta this cheap motel room...

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

Shopping

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops.
She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop.
She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!
For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his caregiver!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...... .....
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead.
What did you buy?'

Quickie In The Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred
blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After
fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells th em, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care
to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This
time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

AND JUST WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???

Spaghetti

Spaghetti Italian Style
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,'she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. 'Send extra sauce.'