Smile for the Day

Two Catholic parrots... A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing.' 'What do they say?' the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . That phrase . . In no time.' Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'

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Garden Snakes Can Be Dangerous

A cautionary tale...

Garden snakes can be dangerous I didn't think twice about this tiny fellow on my baby boxwood until I got this letter: GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS... Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why. A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now, the police had arrived. Breathe here... They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake! The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out). Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night. And that's when he shot her. P.S. Its been a long time since I laughed that hard at an email...................

Best ever!!!

SMART ASS ANSWERS

BEST OF 2009!!!
NS
6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.


5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'


4th place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'


3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

The bobby sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver,

"Got stuck, eh?"

The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!"


SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the raised his hand and asked,

"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said:

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

Hypnotism at the Senior Center

Hypnotism at the Senior Center It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.' The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light. Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.' The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces. 'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist. It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.

Too funny

WHY PARENTS DRINK A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

TGIF

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a TGIF. Tee-shirt. 'Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?' ' Oh crap!' the blonde says........ 'I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front. Some people can have all the lights on, And still be in the dark ...

the mom test

THE MOM TEST
I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter.
She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, And probably has germs.", I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mom, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."
I was thinking quickly and replied, "All Moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom."
　
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"Oh.....I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Dad."
"Exactly", I replied with a big smile on my face.
　
　
When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom.

Retirement

Everyone needs a little sunshine!!!!!!

RETIREMENT is DIFFERENT for EVERYONE One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?' 'Yes,' she said. 'They 're retired prostitutes, & they're having a yard sale.'

A Very Short Story

Very Short Story Man driving down road. Woman driving up same road. They pass each other. The woman yells out the window, PIG! Man yells out window, BITCH! Man rounds next curve. Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies. Thought For the Day: If men would just listen..........

Very Special Holiday Cake Recipe

Enjoy your cake!! A Very Special Holiday Cake Recipe Ingredients: 2 cups flour 1 stick butter 1 cup of water 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt 1 cup of brown sugar Lemon juice 4 large eggs Nuts 2 bottles wine 2 cups of dried fruit Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner... if the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat or dog. Go to your favourite bakery and buy a cake. Bingle Jells! LaLa ;- )

Santa and the Blondes

HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS!

An old, blind Santa wanders into an all-female biker bar by mistake after a heavy

day in the toy department of the local store. He finds his way to a chair, slumps

down and orders a coffee. After sitting for a while he asks the waitress; “Do you

wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls silent.

In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says; ”Before you tell that joke,

Santa I think it only fair, given that you are blind that you should know 5 things”

1. The bartender is blonde with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is blonde with a Taser.

3. I am a 6 foot 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional wrestler.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and is weightlifter.

“Now think about it seriously Santa. Do you still want to tell that joke?”

Santa thinks about it for a moment and mutters NO!

NOT IF I’M GONNA HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT FIVE TIMES!

winter poem

I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. It was to me, and it's very well written. I felt it really captured my own feelings about winter.




'WINTER'

a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre





SH*T...It's Cold!



The End

Girlie Wisdom

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Girlie wisdom

1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...
she has 14 kids but doesn't really care...

2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a

woman gain 5 lbs.

3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't
know what you are doing, someone else does.

6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then,
your body and your fat are really good friends.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today...

8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain
consciousness.

9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together
and setting fire to my knickers'.

10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it
shrinks 2 sizes!

11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...
'You know sometimes I forget to eat!'... Now I've forgotten my address,
my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

12. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing and then they marry him.

13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?

That's my idea of a perfect day!

Bad for legs...

A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself.



Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'

Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.

Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'

Maxine: 'No, they spread

'Involuntary Muscular Contractions'

A professor at MEMORIAL UNIVERSITY OF NEWFOUNDLAND, was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom

Grandparent moments

click to enlarge photo.

Golf on Fridays

Marriage Counseling

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow! Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused. The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?' Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

Blondes getting a Christmas Tree

There were two blondes, Char and Robina who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm
chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

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