I get so many jokes in my email inbox...that I thought it would be fun to share some of them with my friends. Please note..SOME JOKES ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN. IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED..PLEASE STOP NOW.
Garden snakes can be dangerousI didn't think twice about this tiny fellow on my baby boxwood until I got this letter:GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.P.S. Its been a long time since I laughed that hard at an email...................
SMART ASS ANSWERSBEST OF 2009!!!
Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver,
"Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!"
SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the raised his hand and asked,
"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said:
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.
THE MOM TEST
I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter.
She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, And probably has germs.", I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mom, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."
I was thinking quickly and replied, "All Moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"Oh.....I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Dad."
"Exactly", I replied with a big smile on my face.
When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom.
RETIREMENT is DIFFERENT for EVERYONE
1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...
she has 14 kids but doesn't really care...
2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a
woman gain 5 lbs.
3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't
know what you are doing, someone else does.
6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then,
your body and your fat are really good friends.
7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today...
8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain
9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together
and setting fire to my knickers'.
10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it
shrinks 2 sizes!
11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...
'You know sometimes I forget to eat!'... Now I've forgotten my address,
my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
12. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing and then they marry him.
13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?
That's my idea of a perfect day!