Monday, February 14, 2011

Politically Correct

As a Canadian that lives in Alberta, I found this amusing!


Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading Canada ,


Albertans will no longer be referred to as'Rednecks.'


You must now refer to them as



Rocky Mountain/Prairie Canadians.



And furthermore...




HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:



1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a

' BREASTED Canadian.'





2. She is not 'EASY' - She is



'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.


(Loved this one!)




3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a


'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'



4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a



'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'



5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes



' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'




6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a



' LOW COST PROVIDER.'



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a


'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'




2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is


' OVERLY CAUCASIAN..'




3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He



' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS..'




4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in


'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'




5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of


RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

<>


6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's




'REAR CLEAVAGE.

Friday, February 11, 2011

A Sympathetic Scottish Woman

A Sympathetic Scottish Woman

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fucked?' The man broke into a big smile and said, 'no'.
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'




Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Smile










I got this new deodorant today.

The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart....
the room smells awesome.









Monday, February 7, 2011

A Lady's Confession - Why I changed hotels..

A Lady's Confession - Why I changed Hotels




Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely.

I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone

books for escorts and sensual massages." I looked through the phone book,

found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -a very handsome

man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right

muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs,

dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter

off his well oiled butt.... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck,

I'll give him a call. "Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . .. Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right

in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room

and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all

alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I

want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything

you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night -tie me up,

cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything

baby.

Now how does that sound?"

 

"Oh my God.... that sounds fantastic, but you need to

press 9 for an outside line."

Friday, February 4, 2011

The Mother of all Blonde Jokes



FINALLY...THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!


A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.


She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.


The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on It.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it


And handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.


The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,


"OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop...
















Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I GOT YOUR MAMA

This is very cute

Little Carol came ....


into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother
what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get
a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a
bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.



LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.



LETTER 3:
Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God


LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO