This is an Incredible story

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.. This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

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You're gonna like this one!

They walk among us. We're doomed. Read All The Way - Be Amazed Natural Born Citizens Beware! In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?" Yep, these are the same kind of 18-year-olds that just voted in our last election! They breed and they walk among us......

Extreme Redneck

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Raplh and Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

*Sick Leave*

I urgently needed a few days off work,

but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy'
then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,
so, that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
'What in the name of good GOD are you doing? '

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,

'. ..And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna love this....)


She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.'

911

Believe it or not , These are Memphis , TN 's REAL 911 Calls! Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why? Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . Dispatcher : Excuse me? Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher : Was anything else taken? Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Call er: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. My Personal Favorite!!! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband! And the winner is............. Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police.

How Fast Can You Guess the Words

How fast can you guess the words?

1. B o o _ s

2. _ _ n d o m

3. F _ _ k

4. P _ n _ s

5. P u _ s _


Answers Below, Don't cheat
















Answers

1. Books

2. Random

3. Fork

4. Pants

5. Pulse

You got all 5 wrong DIDN'T YOU?

NO COMMENT!(Pervert!!)

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Roses verses Hanging Baskets

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother Bev went mad, Telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Gran. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.... The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets. Happy Gardening. (This is too funny not to share!)

Bank Robber

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. .. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "I think my wife got a good look at you."

Don't tell the wife

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel,
and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."
Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home,
drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

The talking centipede

------- THE TALKING CENTIPEDE A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today ? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings ?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there ! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God ?" This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time ! I'm putting on my shoes !"

ring-ring

*Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,** **'Hello?'** **'Hi honey.** **This is Daddy.** **Is Mommy near the phone?'** **'No, Daddy.** **She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'** **After a brief pause,** *Daddy says,** **'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'** **'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,** **Right now..'** Brief Pause. **'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.** **Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs** **And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy** **That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'** **'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'** **A few minutes later** **The little girl comes back to the phone.** **'I did it, Daddy.'** **'And what happened, honey?' ** 'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.** **Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser** **And now she isn't moving at all!'** **'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'** **'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.** **He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window** **And into the swimming pool.** **But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water** **Last week to clean it.** **He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'** *****Long Pause***** *****Longer Pause***** *****Even Longer Pause***** *Then Daddy says,** **'Swimming pool? ...........** **Is this 486-5731?'* **No, I think you have the wrong number........*

Blonde Jokes

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You might have to think twice about this one....

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and Then I thought, 'I just paid
$6, 000..00 for these implants...I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'

Stress Management

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
Technique used traditionally in Sicily. The funny thing is that it
Really does work.



1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out
Over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running
Water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a
Cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face
of the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already. Feel free
to forward this if you know others who might benefit from this
technique.

Why Parents Drink

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope

with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can

get to know your grandchildren.


Love, Your Son John



PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.


I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.


I love you.


Call me when it's safe to come home

Today's word is .... FLUCTUATIONS

Today's word is................. Fluctuations


I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Getting Even

*One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat..' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door. * Now THAT, my friends, is getting even.

The Penis Study... GOOD ONE!!!!

The Penis Study The Canadian Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the Canadians published the study, the Finns decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Newfoundlanders, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead!

Girls weekend

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip - shopping, pokies, massages, facials. Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going. Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine. Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go? Well, I've been here since last night.........yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me, put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'? I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over......on the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said "Now, you can do whatever you want." So………….here I am.

The secret to dying without enemies

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:


'I outlived the bitches.'