help!

Friends...I need your help. I am desperate to find out which Wal -Mart sells this mirror!

wedding invitation

Blonde Joke

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
The blonde went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the blonde quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told the blonde that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does that blonde realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
'And by the way', the blonde added.....'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus'.

Pa Sleeps Naked

If this doesn't provoke a LAUGH OR TWO.....something's wrong with ya....

'Late again,' the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.'It ain't my fault this time,' Miss Crabtree. 'You can blame this'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!'
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school forthirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.
'You see, Miss Crabtree; out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy hear a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'' 'Stay back, he whispered to all us kids! 'He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, noshirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barreled 12 Gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy. Then as we all looked on plumb helpless; old Zeke stuck his cold nose inDaddy's crack!
'Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!'

kids

Wish I could think so quickly. . . .
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

The Fight Began

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight began....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curl y silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my exper ience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'
And then the fight began.....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked,' Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight began.....


I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's how the fight began.....

Kids are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'G
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

At the Pearly Gates

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St.Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the man offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, But they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled,
'Now, back off, or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed. 'When did this happen?' he asked
' Couple of minutes ago.'

no more headaches

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat I do not Have a Headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache.'
It Worked! The headaches are all gone.'
The husband replies, 'Well, that is wonderful.'
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'
The husband agrees to try it Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his> Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He Puts her on The bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.
With that, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife...'

His funeral service will be held on Friday

Amen to this!

Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it; Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;

Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:

MEN tal illness
MENstrual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MENopause
GUY necologist

AND .
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

Thoughts for Today

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf

Government Job

A man applies for a job at the Post Office.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He says 'Yes, caffeine.'
'Have you ever been in the service?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you five extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says, 'Yes 100%..an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.
'The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00am - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?'
'This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'

STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?' The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.' The old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Roster is squalking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and- BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this story? .

Don't mess with the THE OLDER GENERATION age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
always overcome youth and arrogance!

Breaking News!!!!! Alert!!!!!

::: BREAKING NEWS :::

In 2009 the government will start locking up

all the mentally ill. I started crying when I thought of you.

Run little buddy, run.

Married Life

Married Life


Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chattingabout their relationships and decide to amaze their men
....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes

After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.
'The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a rain
coat. When I opened the rain coat, he didn' t say a word. We just had wild sex all night.
'The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

NEWLYWEDS

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very muchin love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his newwife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.''Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife. 'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different
kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at
the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..'He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are reallydelicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?' 'You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the ovenand took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.'But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in yourgoddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because youare married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'And, they lived happily ever after. Now, Isn't that a sweet story?

The Blonde Swimmer

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool> lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Memphis but I worked both sides of the Mississippi.

Blonde Genies!

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes acrossa lamp partiallyburied in the sand.He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde geniesappear, and they tell him he has beengranted three wishes.The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in amansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft underhis feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two people dressed in KuKlux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one,... ' I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES!!!!

Some People are Psychopaths

Psychopath Test
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right. While at the funeral of her own mother, a woman met a man who she did not know. She thought he was 'amazing'. She believed him to be her dream partner so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister. Question: What was her motive for killing her sister? Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below.












Answer: She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test developed by a famous American psychologist, used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list.

How's Norma?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked,Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?The operator said 'I'll be glad to help, dear.
What's the name and room number?
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.
The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and herphysician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.The grandmother said, 'Thank you . That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome.
Is Norma your daughter?
The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302.
No one tells me shit.'True Story..........