DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
(or the uncertainty of the English language)
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?
'Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'
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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself'
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids'.
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you'.
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
----------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute..'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
----------------------------------------------------Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun?!
What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'OOPS'
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Better than A Flu shot!
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated..... of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh,yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu ALL winter.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated..... of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh,yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu ALL winter.
Monday, December 29, 2008
$7 Sex
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT.....
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT.....
Sunday, December 28, 2008
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, she is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf'
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, she is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf'
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Little boy on a Bus
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom,and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom,and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'
Friday, December 26, 2008
Body Stats!
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are still busy checking their thumbs
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are still busy checking their thumbs
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
The Insensitivity of Women
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die ?' she says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.
Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?' At this point the wife rolls over and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... you don't.
Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die ?' she says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.
Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?' At this point the wife rolls over and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... you don't.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Fights!
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her new bath scales.
And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the
truck, the car, playing golf
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home one day,
I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny
pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I
was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as
well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her new bath scales.
And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the
truck, the car, playing golf
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home one day,
I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny
pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I
was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as
well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Only a Newfie Could ....
Only a Newfoundlander can make you feel like a REAL woman!!
A plane passed through a severe storm.
The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely.
She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die.' Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?' For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Newfoundland stood up in a the rear of the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well built,with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time.
No one moved as he removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.
She gasped...
Then, he spoke... 'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
A plane passed through a severe storm.
The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely.
She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die.' Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?' For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Newfoundland stood up in a the rear of the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well built,with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time.
No one moved as he removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.
She gasped...
Then, he spoke... 'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
Thursday, December 18, 2008
The Nurse
You gotta love a good nurse...
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in
his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors
hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his
hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so
uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive
tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well
soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in
his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors
hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his
hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so
uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive
tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well
soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
The Vibrator
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.
Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I' m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.
She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.
Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I' m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.
She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
7 kinds of sex
*SEVEN KINDS OF SEX*
The 1st kind of sex is called:
Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called:
Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called:
Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called:
Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called:
Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind of sex is called:
Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot Stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, But not enough to live on.
The 1st kind of sex is called:
Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called:
Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called:
Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called:
Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called:
Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind of sex is called:
Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot Stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, But not enough to live on.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Drunk In the Toilet
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood- curdling scream is heard minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You Idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You Idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Christmas Movies!
- Top 15 Rejected Christmas Movie Titles
Top 15 Rejected Christmas Movie Titles
15. “Miracle and a Quickie on 42nd Street — A Times Square Christmas”
14. Spike Lee’s “Get On the Sleigh”
13. Van Damme IS “Santa Claude”
12. Michael Jackson stars in “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”
11. “The Deep II — A Chappaquiddick Holiday with Uncle Ted”
10. “There’s No Santa Claus, Charlie Brown”
9. The spoiled brats ask for the moon and Santa delivers, in “Naked Buns II”
8. Mickey Rooney & Andy Rooney in “Grumpy Old Elves”
7. Ross Perot as the autistic elf in “Reindeer Man” (”Of course, I’d be an excellent President.”)
6. “It’s a Wonderful Life, My Ass — Pass the Malt Liquor”
5. Steven Segal IS “MissleToe”
4. Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Shue in “Ho, Ho, Ho!”
3. He’s got a red nose and an Uzi. And he’s about to teach them some “new” reindeer games in “Rudolph II — First Blood”
2. “Blazing Saddles 2 — How the Stench Stole Christmas”
1. “No, YOU Open It!” — ‘A Ted Kaczynski Christmas’
.
Top 15 Rejected Christmas Movie Titles
15. “Miracle and a Quickie on 42nd Street — A Times Square Christmas”
14. Spike Lee’s “Get On the Sleigh”
13. Van Damme IS “Santa Claude”
12. Michael Jackson stars in “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”
11. “The Deep II — A Chappaquiddick Holiday with Uncle Ted”
10. “There’s No Santa Claus, Charlie Brown”
9. The spoiled brats ask for the moon and Santa delivers, in “Naked Buns II”
8. Mickey Rooney & Andy Rooney in “Grumpy Old Elves”
7. Ross Perot as the autistic elf in “Reindeer Man” (”Of course, I’d be an excellent President.”)
6. “It’s a Wonderful Life, My Ass — Pass the Malt Liquor”
5. Steven Segal IS “MissleToe”
4. Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Shue in “Ho, Ho, Ho!”
3. He’s got a red nose and an Uzi. And he’s about to teach them some “new” reindeer games in “Rudolph II — First Blood”
2. “Blazing Saddles 2 — How the Stench Stole Christmas”
1. “No, YOU Open It!” — ‘A Ted Kaczynski Christmas’
.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'
Monday, December 8, 2008
Shopping for a Turkey
It was Christmas Eve in a supermarket and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.
In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said "Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
"No" he replied, "They're all dead".
In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said "Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
"No" he replied, "They're all dead".
Friday, December 5, 2008
Christmas Angel
One Christmas, a long time ago, Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip; but there were problems ...... everywhere.
Four of his elves were away sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs. Claus popped in to tell Santa that her mother was coming to stay for Christmas; which stressed him even more.
After a while, he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and run away, heaven knows where to.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards broke and several large toy-bags fell to the ground, scattering their contents all over the place. Needless to say, Santa was not in the best of moods.
Suddenly, the doorbell rang and he went to the door expecting another problem. But when he opened it, there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree that she had brought especially to cheer him up.
The angel greeted him very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa Claus. Isn't it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful tree for you. See, isn't it just the loveliest Christmas tree you've ever seen? Where would you like me to put it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Four of his elves were away sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs. Claus popped in to tell Santa that her mother was coming to stay for Christmas; which stressed him even more.
After a while, he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and run away, heaven knows where to.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards broke and several large toy-bags fell to the ground, scattering their contents all over the place. Needless to say, Santa was not in the best of moods.
Suddenly, the doorbell rang and he went to the door expecting another problem. But when he opened it, there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree that she had brought especially to cheer him up.
The angel greeted him very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa Claus. Isn't it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful tree for you. See, isn't it just the loveliest Christmas tree you've ever seen? Where would you like me to put it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Blackmail
It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mum if he could have a new bike. So, she told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. So his mum told him that would be fine.
Sam went to his room and wrote 'Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.' But he wasn't very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote 'Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.' He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either. He tried a third version. 'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.' He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied.
So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter. 'Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you'd better send me a new bike.'
Sam went to his room and wrote 'Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.' But he wasn't very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote 'Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.' He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either. He tried a third version. 'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.' He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied.
So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter. 'Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you'd better send me a new bike.'
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Luck of the Draw.
A man found himself in terrible financial difficulties. He is so desperate that for the first time in his life he gets down on his knees and prays to God for help. 'Dear God, I desperately need your help. I have no money to spend on Christmas presents for my family. Could you possibly arrange it so that I win the Lottery?' The lottery draw is held, but he wins nothing. He sends another prayer to God. 'My business has gone bust and if I don't get some money soon I'll lose my car and my Christmas will be very difficult. Please fix things so I win the lottery.' Lottery night comes, but he's unlucky. So he prays to God again. 'Please God, I've lost my car and now they're trying to take my house. Please help me to win the Lottery or our Christmas will be ruined.' Come lottery night, he again fails to win anything. Undeterred, he prays to God again. 'I am now bankrupt, my house has been repossessed by the finance company and so has my car. We are now living on the street, but all I need to get my life back together and perhaps enjoy some kind of Christmas is to win the lottery.' Suddenly there's a flash of brilliant life as the heavens open and the man is confronted by the very voice of God himself. 'Hey, do me a favour will you, buy a ticket.'
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
A 3-Year Old Tells All
A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall.
By Shannon Popkin
My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker.
He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window.
People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked.
There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.
Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:
'Mommy, are you gonna go potty?
Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy?
Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now?
Mommy, what are you doing?
Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?'
At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.
Cade continued:
'Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you?
Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy!
Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty?
Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy!
Oh ... Mommy!
I'm trying to see In dere.
Oh! I see dem.
Dat is a very good girl, Mommy.
You are gonna get some candy!
'I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her?Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting.
Trying to divert him, I said, 'Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!
''No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies.
Oh! Mommy!
'He started to gag at this point.
'Uh - oh, Mommy.
I fink I'm gonna frow up.
Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!!
Dat is so gross!!
'As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself:
OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.
'Mommy!
Would you get off the potty, now?
I want you to be done going stinkies!
Get up!
Get up!'
He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blownlaughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door.
'Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy?
You wooking under da door?
What were you wooking at?
Mommy?
You wooking at the wady's feet?
More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess thesituation.
'Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now.
We have to go out now, Mommy.
'He started pounding on the door.
'Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands?
I want to go out!!
'I saw that my 'wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud.
My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought,
'Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?'
But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.
(Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives with her family in Grand Rapids , Michigan , where she no longer uses public restrooms)
By Shannon Popkin
My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker.
He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window.
People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked.
There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.
Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:
'Mommy, are you gonna go potty?
Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy?
Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now?
Mommy, what are you doing?
Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?'
At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.
Cade continued:
'Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you?
Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy!
Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty?
Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy!
Oh ... Mommy!
I'm trying to see In dere.
Oh! I see dem.
Dat is a very good girl, Mommy.
You are gonna get some candy!
'I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her?Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting.
Trying to divert him, I said, 'Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!
''No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies.
Oh! Mommy!
'He started to gag at this point.
'Uh - oh, Mommy.
I fink I'm gonna frow up.
Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!!
Dat is so gross!!
'As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself:
OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.
'Mommy!
Would you get off the potty, now?
I want you to be done going stinkies!
Get up!
Get up!'
He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blownlaughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door.
'Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy?
You wooking under da door?
What were you wooking at?
Mommy?
You wooking at the wady's feet?
More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess thesituation.
'Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now.
We have to go out now, Mommy.
'He started pounding on the door.
'Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands?
I want to go out!!
'I saw that my 'wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud.
My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought,
'Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?'
But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.
(Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives with her family in Grand Rapids , Michigan , where she no longer uses public restrooms)
Monday, December 1, 2008
The Old Lady
This will warm your heart.
The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today. Dear Safety Harbor Middle School :
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off. Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,Edna
The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today. Dear Safety Harbor Middle School :
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off. Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,Edna
Friday, November 28, 2008
A Toddler's Tea Party
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother, who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old or 2, and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken, among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Adventures in the Institution
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a car with his hands at 10 and 2 o'clock.
The nurse asks him,'Kevin! What are you doing?' Kevin replied, 'Can't talk right now. I'm driving to Newfoundland !' The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Kevin's room just as he stopped driving his imaginary car and she asks, 'Well Kevin, how you doing?' Kevin says 'I'm exhausted. I just got into St. Johns and I need some rest.' 'That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.' The nurse leaves Kevin's room and then goes across the hall into another patient's room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Very surprised she shouts, 'Ed what are you doing ??? 'To which Ed replies, 'Shhh, I'm screwing Kevin's wife while he's in Newfoundland.
The nurse asks him,'Kevin! What are you doing?' Kevin replied, 'Can't talk right now. I'm driving to Newfoundland !' The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Kevin's room just as he stopped driving his imaginary car and she asks, 'Well Kevin, how you doing?' Kevin says 'I'm exhausted. I just got into St. Johns and I need some rest.' 'That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.' The nurse leaves Kevin's room and then goes across the hall into another patient's room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Very surprised she shouts, 'Ed what are you doing ??? 'To which Ed replies, 'Shhh, I'm screwing Kevin's wife while he's in Newfoundland.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
American Golfer in Ireland
An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his Head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afra id I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And then the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to him self. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want.. a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it' s just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my p ocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also." And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a wee k."
"What!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week!"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic Priest in a small parish."
Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afra id I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And then the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to him self. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want.. a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it' s just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my p ocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also." And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a wee k."
"What!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week!"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic Priest in a small parish."
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Ask A Stupid Question...Get a Stupid Answer.
I have 6 large dogs and was buying several large bags of Dog Chow at Costco, standing in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (Duh!) On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although, I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in hospital the last time. But I'd lost 20 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my ass and a car hit me.I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he staggered to the door laughing.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Aunt Mildred
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly
despondent over the recent death of her husband.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night...
Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
despondent over the recent death of her husband.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night...
Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Bacon and Eggs
A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you are not getting any milk.'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?'
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you are not getting any milk.'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?'
Thursday, November 20, 2008
The Broken Lawnmower
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
and the other is usually the husband.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept
hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always
had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car,
e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I
arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you
might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
and the other is usually the husband.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept
hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always
had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car,
e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I
arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you
might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Getting Old
Getting old is so hard at times Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip. NOW, I talk like an asshole 
...but my gums don't itch!
...but my gums don't itch!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
The Coo Coo Clock
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem p*ssed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh sh!#$." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem p*ssed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh sh!#$." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
Monday, November 17, 2008
Cursing In Church
A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to the
secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in
this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to
inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not
have
to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million
bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get
rid of some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in
this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to
inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not
have
to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million
bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get
rid of some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
Friday, November 14, 2008
DADD'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS!
This one is for everyone who...
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.
I guess that means all of us!!
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point she said,"Daddy, look at this" , and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.
I guess that means all of us!!
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point she said,"Daddy, look at this" , and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Men never listen
A man made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the Buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR .
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.
He pushed WW.
Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nic e feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.
A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure..
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed.
The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow.'
MEN NEVER LISTEN
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the Buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR .
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.
He pushed WW.
Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nic e feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.
A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure..
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed.
The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow.'
MEN NEVER LISTEN
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Cowboy
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.'
Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.'
Now take off my boots.`
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.'
Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light'
Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said,
'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
(Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either.)
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.'
Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.'
Now take off my boots.`
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.'
Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light'
Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said,
'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
(Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either.)
Monday, November 10, 2008
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
This is for all the germ-conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean things. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan . After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather about it, asking, 'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old
man shouted: 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
This is for all the germ-conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean things. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan . After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather about it, asking, 'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old
man shouted: 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
Friday, November 7, 2008
Ducks In Heaven
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same amonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same amonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Bubba's Sure Fire Pick Up Lines
1) Did you fart?cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's on ly a light switch away.
8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'Woman - 'WHAT?'Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?I think he went inta this cheap motel room...
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.. the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Shopping
A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops.
She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop.
She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!
For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his caregiver!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...... .....
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead.
What did you buy?'
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops.
She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop.
She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!
For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his caregiver!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...... .....
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead.
What did you buy?'
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Quickie In The Bushes
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred
blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After
fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells th em, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care
to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This
time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
AND JUST WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred
blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After
fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells th em, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care
to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This
time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
AND JUST WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
Monday, November 3, 2008
Spaghetti
Spaghetti Italian Style
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,'she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. 'Send extra sauce.'
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,'she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. 'Send extra sauce.'
Friday, October 31, 2008
Joe's Operation
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was with out a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought,'That's what I need .. a new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman,
'I'd like a new suit.'The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?''Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's se e, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?''
Been in the business 60 years.'Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache'
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was with out a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought,'That's what I need .. a new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman,
'I'd like a new suit.'The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?''Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's se e, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?''
Been in the business 60 years.'Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache'
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Cowboy/Pharmacy
A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman. The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it . 'The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.' When she returned, she said, 'We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month, plus living expenses.'
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
I Think You Are The Father (of one of my kids)
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER (OF ONE OF MY KIDS )A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table
with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table
with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
I Have A Question!
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?? Do Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks?"
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?? Do Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks?"
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Monday, October 27, 2008
Just some Thoughts For The Day
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators and change purse.MONEYA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need... but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that - is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.SUCCESSA successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators and change purse.MONEYA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need... but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that - is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.SUCCESSA successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Friday, October 24, 2008
Taking A Wonan to Bed
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Living Will
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Top 8 Morons of 2008
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked Intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.
Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forcedHim to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein theKidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', theMan shouted, 'that's not what I said!'
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and herContractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' theDoctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, the putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked Intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.
Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forcedHim to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein theKidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', theMan shouted, 'that's not what I said!'
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and herContractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' theDoctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, the putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Old Lady Goes To Heaven
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gate when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter
'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'
'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'
I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'
'You can't go there,' says St. Peter. You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'
'Maybe so,' says the old lady, 'But I've already got the holes for that.'
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gate when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter
'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'
'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'
I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'
'You can't go there,' says St. Peter. You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'
'Maybe so,' says the old lady, 'But I've already got the holes for that.'
Monday, October 20, 2008
29Lines to Make You Smile
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24 ..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 26..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24 ..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 26..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Fireman Sex
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go! 'From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night. '
The next ! night h e came home from work and yelled 'BELL 1!'
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few ! minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband? 'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied ' Y OU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go! 'From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night. '
The next ! night h e came home from work and yelled 'BELL 1!'
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few ! minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband? 'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied ' Y OU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Blone Joke
FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE....
Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!
Football FINALLY makes sense..........A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They hadGreat seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he askedHer how she liked the experience.'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and All the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were Killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of The game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the Quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo?
It's only 25 cents !!!
:-)
Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!
Football FINALLY makes sense..........A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They hadGreat seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he askedHer how she liked the experience.'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and All the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were Killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of The game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the Quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo?
It's only 25 cents !!!
:-)
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I thought you might get a kick out of this one. :)
A woman in her fifties is at home, NAKED,
happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks,
'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?
What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 55-year old ass ?'
'Your name never came up in the conversation,' she replied.
A woman in her fifties is at home, NAKED,
happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks,
'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?
What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 55-year old ass ?'
'Your name never came up in the conversation,' she replied.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Alcoholic Funny
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand. He is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
'Can I help you sir?'
'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr!'
The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'
'It wasss on the end of thisshh key' the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out. He asks.., 'Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down and without missing a beat, blurts out........... 'Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!
'Can I help you sir?'
'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr!'
The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'
'It wasss on the end of thisshh key' the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out. He asks.., 'Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down and without missing a beat, blurts out........... 'Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!
Cute
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, whereyour mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: ...You'll love this ....
'You've got Male!'
'You've got Male!'
Monday, October 13, 2008
mid- life
I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be . . . Puhleeeeeeeze! I've
had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them
with you.
Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, 'Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too.'
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones. Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, cell phone-wearing teenager and think: 'For this I have stretch marks?'
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin ..
Mid-life means that you become more reflective . You start pondering the 'big' questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with
it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
Smooches!!
had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them
with you.
Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, 'Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too.'
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones. Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, cell phone-wearing teenager and think: 'For this I have stretch marks?'
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin ..
Mid-life means that you become more reflective . You start pondering the 'big' questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with
it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
Smooches!!
Friday, September 26, 2008
6 year olds
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.
She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1 Don't change horses until they stop running
2.>Strike while the bug is close
3 It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time
4 Never underestimate the power of termites
5 You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7 No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr
9 You can't teach an old dog new Math
10 If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning
11 Love all, trust Me
12 The pen is mightier than the pigs
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14 Where there's smoke there's pollution
15 Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19 Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21.Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22.If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23 You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box
24When the blind lead the blind get out of the way
25 A bird in the hand is going to poop on you
And the WINNER and last one
26 Better late than Pregnant
She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1 Don't change horses until they stop running
2.>Strike while the bug is close
3 It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time
4 Never underestimate the power of termites
5 You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7 No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr
9 You can't teach an old dog new Math
10 If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning
11 Love all, trust Me
12 The pen is mightier than the pigs
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14 Where there's smoke there's pollution
15 Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19 Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21.Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22.If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23 You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box
24When the blind lead the blind get out of the way
25 A bird in the hand is going to poop on you
And the WINNER and last one
26 Better late than Pregnant
Thursday, September 25, 2008
63 and Pregnant
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her s tory, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. 'What the hell's wrong with you?' he demanded. 'This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: 'Does she still have the hiccups?'
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her s tory, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. 'What the hell's wrong with you?' he demanded. 'This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: 'Does she still have the hiccups?'
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
And Then the Fight Started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I hadleft my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processedmy Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience atthe Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And then the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started.....
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started... .
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started.....
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started... .
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Man of the House
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled
'YOU CAN BE> THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE.'>
He went to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is Law.'
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied, 'The F---in' funeral director would be my first guess.'
'YOU CAN BE> THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE.'>
He went to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is Law.'
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied, 'The F---in' funeral director would be my first guess.'
Monday, September 22, 2008
Medical Advice for Women
Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: Wh en is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
'Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: Wh en is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
'Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Book Report
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand
What we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was
Nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,
'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,
But they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been
Invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad
Apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long
As he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived
To be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,
But one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a
Large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked
Some other people to join him, but they said they would
Have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more
Famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his
Birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son
Named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt
And away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on
Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,
Bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your
Neighbor's' stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first
Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and
The fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a
Giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had
About 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,
But that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then
Barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league
Prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the
Star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying
to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would
be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like
the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.
Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even
preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the
Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand
What we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was
Nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,
'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,
But they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been
Invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad
Apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long
As he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived
To be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,
But one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a
Large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked
Some other people to join him, but they said they would
Have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more
Famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his
Birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son
Named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt
And away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on
Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,
Bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your
Neighbor's' stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first
Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and
The fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a
Giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had
About 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,
But that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then
Barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league
Prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the
Star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying
to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would
be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like
the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.
Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even
preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the
Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Very Interesting Fruit.
A professor at CCNY for a physiological psych class told his class about bananas. He said the expression "going bananas" is from the effects of bananas on the brain. Read on:
Never, put your banana in the refrigerator!!!
This is interesting. After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again.
Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.
Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes. But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit.
It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.
Depression:
According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.
PMS:
Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.
Anemia :
High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.
Blood Pressure:
This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.
Brain Power:
200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school ( England ) were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.
Constipation:
High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.
Hangovers:
One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey.. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.
Heartburn:
Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.
Morning Sickness:
Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.
Mosquito bites:
Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation. Nerves:
Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.
Overweight and at work?
Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.
Ulcers:
The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach. Temperature control:
Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD):
Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan. Smoking &Tobacco Use:
Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.
Stress:
Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack. Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!
Warts:
Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!
So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills.
When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals.
It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around
So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"
Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time!
I will add one here; want a quick shine on our shoes?? Take the INSIDE of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe...polish with dry cloth. Amazing fruit !!!
Never, put your banana in the refrigerator!!!
This is interesting. After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again.
Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.
Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes. But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit.
It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.
Depression:
According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.
PMS:
Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.
Anemia :
High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.
Blood Pressure:
This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.
Brain Power:
200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school ( England ) were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.
Constipation:
High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.
Hangovers:
One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey.. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.
Heartburn:
Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.
Morning Sickness:
Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.
Mosquito bites:
Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation. Nerves:
Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.
Overweight and at work?
Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.
Ulcers:
The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach. Temperature control:
Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD):
Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan. Smoking &Tobacco Use:
Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.
Stress:
Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack. Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!
Warts:
Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!
So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills.
When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals.
It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around
So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"
Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time!
I will add one here; want a quick shine on our shoes?? Take the INSIDE of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe...polish with dry cloth. Amazing fruit !!!
Monday, September 8, 2008
Quote for the day
"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit."
Love and appreciate all the women in your life.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit."
Love and appreciate all the women in your life.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Cruise Gone Bad
This is sooooo BAD!
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time,Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it.
After a while, Bob and Toms resistance to natures urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried Debbie.
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time,Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it.
After a while, Bob and Toms resistance to natures urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried Debbie.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
observations
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who diedpeacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all thepassengers in his car.'--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and youget a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'--Author Unknown
3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?There's a support group for that.It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'--Drew Carey
4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it'snot a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked intodoing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,drop them off at the wrong house.'--Jeff Foxworthy
5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly balland saving an infant's life, she will choose to save theinfant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.'--Dave Barry
6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriendwants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.There should be severance pay, the day before they leaveyou, they should have to find you a temp.'--Bob Ettinger
7) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.''--Paula Poundstone
8) 'A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to theauthors of that study: 'Duh.'--Conan O'Brien
9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.'--Lynda Montgomery
10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crimeand the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.''--Richard Jeni
11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.'--Johnny Carson
12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'--Paul Rodriguez
13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,but they turned sixty and that's the law.'--Jerry Seinfeld
14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that incase of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file linefrom smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?What, do tall people burn slower?'--Warren Hutcherson
15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.Monogamy is the same.'--Oscar Wilde
16) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were amember of Congress.. But I repeat myself.'--Mark Twain
17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.At least they can find Afghanistan '--A. Whitney Brown
18) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog,and the dog will give you a look that says,'My God, you're right!I never would've thought of that!''--Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'?Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken. -- Unknown, presumed deceased
20) 'Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.'--W. C. Fields
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and youget a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'--Author Unknown
3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?There's a support group for that.It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'--Drew Carey
4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it'snot a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked intodoing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,drop them off at the wrong house.'--Jeff Foxworthy
5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly balland saving an infant's life, she will choose to save theinfant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.'--Dave Barry
6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriendwants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.There should be severance pay, the day before they leaveyou, they should have to find you a temp.'--Bob Ettinger
7) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.''--Paula Poundstone
8) 'A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to theauthors of that study: 'Duh.'--Conan O'Brien
9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.'--Lynda Montgomery
10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crimeand the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.''--Richard Jeni
11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.'--Johnny Carson
12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'--Paul Rodriguez
13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,but they turned sixty and that's the law.'--Jerry Seinfeld
14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that incase of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file linefrom smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?What, do tall people burn slower?'--Warren Hutcherson
15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.Monogamy is the same.'--Oscar Wilde
16) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were amember of Congress.. But I repeat myself.'--Mark Twain
17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.At least they can find Afghanistan '--A. Whitney Brown
18) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog,and the dog will give you a look that says,'My God, you're right!I never would've thought of that!''--Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'?Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken. -- Unknown, presumed deceased
20) 'Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.'--W. C. Fields
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Olympic funnies
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1 . Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
2 . Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
3 . Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
4 . Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
5 . Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
6 . Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
7 . At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
8 Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
9 . Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'
1 . Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
2 . Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
3 . Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
4 . Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
5 . Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
6 . Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
7 . At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
8 Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
9 . Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Holy Prostitutes
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door...
This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door...
This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
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